Democratic Love Fest

Well, not surprisingly, the Dems tonight played it safe and tried to "get along." They were all on a first name basis and smiles and nods all around. For a number of reasons--personally, culturally, academically, pedagogically--I was very excited about tonight's debate and the coverage from South Carolina State University, an institution from which several of my friends and family members have degrees.

But I knew ahead of time this would be a very straightforward debate. No one wants to rock the boat this early. In prepping for my class next semester, I was reading a few weeks ago on primary debates. The lack of public interest in these debates seems to reflect a lack of scholarly interest as well, as most of the scholarship on debates is focused on the general election. Still, there is a good bit of conventional wisdom that says primary debates serve important functions in helping candidates to create and shape their image, to set the agenda in terms of the issues discuss, and to demonstrate why they are a viable candidate for the "job." Going into an election where there are no incumbents, it was expected that the Dems would avoid in-fighting or stepping on anyone's toes. And for the most part they did.

My highlights of the debate:
  • The coverage of South Carolina State University--in particular--explicit mention of the Orangeburg Massacre which is continually ignored in conversations of student protests like Kent State. As Rep. Clyburn mentioned on the pre-coverage broadcast, the town of Orangeburg is still healing and working through what happened on the campus. So I was glad that had national coverage--even it is almost four decades later.
  • The questions from the local news viewers were excellent--a number of the questions gave more insight into what the candidates were thinking (or trying not to discuss) than those that were created by the political staff at NBC.
  • Mike Gravel and Dennis Kucinich kept everyone on their toes and made sure that this wasn't just 90 minutes of Democratic song and dance. Gravel in particular did take the frontrunners to task for why they continued to keep funding the war and trying to pass "soft" bills while ignoring the fact that Bush has made it clear he won't withdraw the troops while in office.
  • Obama did nicely in his "rookie appearance" though I thought he played it a bit too safe. He was clear on healthcare and Iraq and the environment but I really wanted to hear about something else--especially given they are going to beat these issues into the ground for the rest of the year. I understand that was due largely to the nature of the questions, but there were some windows to discuss some other issues. I did appreciate his being firm on saying (in South Carolina) that the Confederate flag belongs in a museum--big points for me personally that could cost him a bit in the media outlets south of the M/D--as well as bringing up the poor response of the federal government in the wake of Hurricane Katrina.
  • Clinton was polished and direct overall. Strong on defense, clear on health care, and she spoke with the tone of a leader.

My lowlights:

  • Before the coverage began, Chris Matthews asked a Clinton strategist--"What is she wearing tonight?" I've studied this--this is not new and women in politics have always been questioned more about their appearance and fashion. But Matthews followup comments demonstrated his ignorance of this as he continued by saying that he was really fascinated by this "visual" and that we've never had to consider before what someone might wear other than the charcoal suit. Wrong Chris. Just four years ago you (the media) dubbed Carol Moseley Braun the "Lady in Red." That's just as one example.
  • Bill Richardson--who has a lot of potential--really missed an opportunity to shine by being way too wordy.
  • Clinton calling everyone by their first names was weird to me. There will be much conversation about this I'm sure, so I'll leave it to the "experts." I was more annoyed when she began to sound a bit like Bush in talking about retaliation and raised her hand in the belief of a "global war on terror" (as did most of the candidates).
  • John Edwards must do something other than rely on his Southern charm when he's in the South. We get it--you're from the Carolinas. Beyond that I was disappointed that he didn't bring anything really new to the table and at times sounded defeated. Although he gave the "when I'm president" lines, they were delivered with a bit of a nonchalant or disconnected flavor that is not going to help him move up in the polls. Still, I'm sure his supporters were happy with his candor and his clear arguments about defense and healthcare.
  • Too much focus on Iraq. And no discussion on education--that was very disappointing--especially given the setting of a historical Black college in a southern state not known for great education.

That was fun. I'm one of those weirdos who enjoys campaigns and it is really one of the few things that will make me watch the news. But enough for tonight (I switched from the debate to Moesha). Now its time to do a little grading before bed. Coverage of the Republican debate to come...

The Worst Senioritis

I've had a whole week to grade final papers and have I started yet? No. I have to get through one of my sections of Major Course papers today--their final is tomorrow and I want to get all these papers off my desk and back into their hands.

Today is going to be a killer grading day, but I'm already thinking about ways to put it off. I need to go to the gym. I need to work on my abstract for this conference. I've been invited to dinner with my writing group and I so rarely hang out with them socially.

I'm just ready for the semester to be really over. It is great that I'm not teaching again until August but I'd really like to be done with the grading and the student emails now. Please?!

The Blues

It is always a wonderful rush to see Dr. J and generally a major emotional crash when he leaves. I'm so glad he snuck away from University Town this weekend. It was a completely unexpected visit and we had a great couple days together. Of course, I didn't get a lot of work down this weekend, so I'll be burning the midnight oil for a few nights to get my final grading done--but it was definitely worth it!

One of the things we are both looking forward to when my semester is over and his defense is done, is really talking about the wedding and getting prepared for married life. We are both excited just to continue this journey of being engaged, which has felt a bit on pause of late for a wide variety of reasons. Although it may be tough and intense at times, we are exciting about couples counseling with our officiant and mapping out things like our finances and our plans for the future. And of course, we are looking forward to the fun stuff too like the cake tasting and the honeymoon! It was fun to spend just a little time thinking about all of that this weekend.

Of the many things on pause is choosing our wedding colors. We both said long ago that if we ended up getting married in the fall, our primary color would be a shade of red OR if we were married in the spring, it would be some shade of blue. While we both envisioned a garnet/burgundy color for the fall, we've been at a bit of a loss to pick a shade of blue. We love blues, but there are so many. So for much of the engagement it has been a list of blues that it won't be--it won't be too royal, too dark, too pastel, too powdery, too turquoise. Just a nice medium blue--perhaps with a silvery tone to it.

We've been looking at a lot of blues--marine blue, slate blue--but the colors we have in mind have yet to translate into swatches for potential attire for the wedding party. Until recently. I think I may have THE potential blue.

I went to a bridal show with Mom not too long ago and saw this dress. The show was actually in the same room where we're having our wedding and under the big lights, this blue was amazing. Unfortunately, in the pictures from the website, it is not quite what I remembered. This blue is called teal. Now when I think of teal, I think of a shade that has a bit more green in it. I like this teal because it doesn't have a lot of green it in.

And of course the teal looks different online with different types of fabrics. The teal to the left with the deep V-neck is in a satin/chiffon, while this strapless is also teal in an all satin dress.

So of course soon, Lani and I will have to go to the store and find a style that fits her and check out the fabric in person. She was not excited to hear that we wanted blue because she did not want to be in a Rhoyal Blue and Gold Sigma Gamma Rho wedding. I promised her years ago that I wouldn't do that, but I can't help it that blue is one of our favorite colors!! I do want to find a nice blue that will go will with her skin color. She has a beautiful chocolate complexion and wears all colors really well--but I want to make sure she looks and feels great. And hopefully we can find a dress that she might actually wear again.




Guess Who's Home?!

Dr. J

:)

Brighter News

I have to share--Dr. J's defense date is finally set. It will be in less than three weeks!! This is very exciting because (to be honest) his chair was jerking him around and it didn't look like he would be able to defend before graduation (which would have mean out-of-state summer tuition). I don't want to put all his business in the street, but I'm VERY exciting that we'll be celebrating his defense and graduation soon!

On VTech

I've really been struggling to blog in the wake of the Virginia Tech shootings. I think my quietness on the shootings has been largely because the first thing I said when I heard was that it was probably an Asian guy mad about all the rich folks in the middle of that poor/working class mountain community. It is just disturbing and sad what has happened and the information that has continued to poor out on this event. As many have expressed, it is difficult to know just what to say and when to say it. I hope we will talk more seriously about guns and violence and apathy and mental health and social care and concern for each other as human beings in the coming days.

For now I continue to grieve the loss of so many brave and heroic and brilliant individuals.


Nikki Giovanni, University Distinguished Professor of English, VPI&SU
http://www.english.vt.edu/

We are Virginia Tech

We are sad today
We will be sad for quite a while
We are not moving on
We are embracing our mourning

We are Virginia Tech

We are strong enough to stand tall tearlessly
We are brave enough to bend to cry
And we are sad enough to know that we must laugh again

We are Virginia Tech

We do not understand this tragedy
We know we did nothing to deserve it

But neither does a child in Africa
Dying of AIDS

Neither do the Invisible Children
Walking the night away to avoid being captured by a rogue army

Neither does the baby elephant watching his community
Be devastated for ivory
Neither does the Mexican child looking
For fresh water

Neither does the Iraqi teenager dodging bombs

Neither does the Appalachian infant killed
By a boulder
Dislodged
Because the land was destabilized

No one deserves a tragedy

We are Virginia Tech
The Hokie Nation embraces
Our own
And reaches out
With open heart and mind
To those who offer their hearts and hands

We are strong
And brave
And innocent
And unafraid

We are better than we think
And not yet quite what we want to be

We are alive to imagination
And open to possibility
We will continue
To invent the future

Through our blood and tears
Through all this sadness

We are the Hokies

We will prevail
We will prevail
We will prevail

We are
Virginia Tech

~~Nikki Giovanni, delivered at the Convocation, April 17, 2007

Random Bullets

I just can't get a full post together today. So in the tradition of RV, here are the random bullets.
  • Imus is fired--good. I want to follow up on the comments I made when the story first broke, but I'm not feeling particularly eloquent. I have mixed feelings as it truly seems to be more about sponsor dollars that standing up for women and people of color. I'm annoyed by CBS who seemed quick to sacrifice a Black woman's body in the Janet Jackson Superbowl "incident" and slow to protect the bodies of Black collegiate women in the face of Imus' remarks. I agree wholeheartedly with Stephen A. Smith in his interview with Anderson Cooper prior to the firing.
  • I have more to say about my student and my institution's reluctance to honor her memory, but I probably shouldn't say anything about that. I just can't help but feel that if she was a member of one of the area's more prestigious families and was a traditional college student, things would be different.
  • I need to do my taxes today. Really.
  • I have a lot on my mind about Dr. J and Top School, but I'm trying to keep the positive vibes going. I'm anxious, and I know he is too.
  • I finally picked out my book for my new fall course, although it isn't even in print yet and I've never seen it. I'm annoyed that I'm teaching another new course. I'm annoyed with my job, and I need a serious attitude overhaul in regards to my job before fall semester.
  • I've been thinking about my research today, and I may spend some time on my Chapter Six article today (if I can take care of my taxes).
  • I miss Dr. J.

My Student

In a year of significant firsts for me, tonight I've suffered my first loss--the loss of a student--my student.

Angel was a nontraditional student. She was an older woman of color who had come back to college to earn her degree. This was her senior year as a major in my department. Somewhere along her journey to a degree, she was diagnosed with cancer and had a mastectomy--the pain of which she carried over the brick paths of this campus. I felt privileged to have Angel in my course and was inspired by her presence in the first weeks of the semester as she hobbled from class to class determined to finish her degree. I felt privileged that she had, so early on shared parts of her story and her life with me, and I missed her immediately when she began missing class after class. We kept in touch a bit via email, and I knew that she was still in a battle with her health. Yet she was still oh so determined to finish.

But as soon as I knew her, she disappeared just as quickly. The emails stopped and she never made it back to class. I hoped and prayed the best for her. And I knew that if she didn't finish this semester, her determination would not cease and that next semester she would have her beloved degree. I just knew she wouldn't give up. Angel wouldn't--but her body did.

Tonight's news is just devastating to me. Even though I did not know her well, I had a glimpse of her passion, her courage, her perseverance, and her determination. In a few moments she had touched me, and her life is imprinted on my heart. I pray tonight for her family and friends. I can only imagine how many lives she has touched along the way--I hope each one finds peace and comfort in the time of this loss. I hope that Angel has found peace and rest from the many battles she fought and won in this life and from the pain she carried with her each day. I pray that I will always carry a small piece of her with me as a portrait of true determination and strength.

Is it Next Tuesday Yet?

I didn't write today. I'm a little sad about that. I am really going to have to devote some energy to writing this coming weekend. I need to get an abstract together for the Cool Conference and pull together my dissertation award application package for Major Conference. I have two ideas for Cool Conference--one of which came to me in the shower this morning. I want to propose something that I will write and turn into an article over winter break after the conference. I'm imagining that will be the last piece of scholarship that I send out pre-wedding/pre-married life.

**Speaking of the wedding and married life. . . .I am wondering about how getting married and being married is going to affect my research. I am trying my best to plan ahead and get a lot done this summer and fall so I can enjoy our marriage, but I am a little anxious about it and will have to blog more about that. I'm also a little anxious because this is THE week we should find out if Dr. J gets the offer from Top School. I'm still very positive but slowly coming to the realization that I may have to add being on the market again to my list of things for the summer and fall.**

So although I didn't write today, I did rest, deal with cramps, and take care of a little bit of grading that I accumulated this past week while I was getting through those 6 page papers. I am also almost done with my reading for tomorrow's Speciality Course (which is cool because I'm usually just getting started around this time). But I have to admit that I'm not enthused about class. I really would rather skip this week and go straight to next week--our last class. They were such bores last week--hardly anyone read--so I'm just not motivated to go waste anymore time with them. I've tried to switch up the discussions and the readings and the format, but it obvious that they've checked out for the semester and I haven't been fighting it. Tomorrow we'll watch a bit of a film, maybe pull some discussion questions out of a hat and do mini-presentations or some in-class writing--something to make sure everyone is writing/thinking/speaking instead of just sitting looking stupid. I'll do the class completely differently when I teach it again--and it definitely won't be a night class. But for now, I'm glad I only have two more Tuesdays to go with this class.

Quick Fix

Well thankfully, the car problem was a quick fix! I took it to the garage across the street and the mechanic showed me that the hose just wasn't tightened properly and that I had lost a lot of coolant. He made the needed adjustments for me and didn't charge me anything. Whew. I definitely didn't want to have to negotiate life without a car given my commute and Tuesday schedule.

That Darn Car

So despite the emotional outbursts that came from the decision, I decided to spend Easter here in Gorgeous City. Dr. J's mom said if I was gonna be in town I was welcome to stop by for dinner. So I decided to take her up on her offer--especially since (like me) you never know when she's going to cook again (and she's a GREAT cook).

I woke up late this morning and had that moment of contemplation--am I going to church? I was so tired--still am--but somehow got myself up, showered, dressed, and out of the house in 20 minutes (which is an Easter miracle in and of itself). I was very glad that I made it to church--even though I hated being late. The service was wonderful and I had a blessed time. I called Dr. J's mom to see if she needed me to bring anything--she did--ice. So I stopped by the Super Store since it was one of the few things open on my side of town as I wasn't sure what would be open out her way (Dr. J's family is from "the country"). This turned out to be a good decision because it meant I had to pass my house on the way from the store to her house. Why? Between the .5 mile stretch of road between Super Store and my house, my car begin to make this noise. At first, I didn't think it was my car of course, but just as I was nearing my house I looked down and saw that my car was overheating. Great. It looks like I've busted my radiator hose. The good thing about that is that it shouldn't cost me an arm and a leg to fix--bad thing is I gotta spend some time tomorrow finding someone to fix it when I really just wanted to work on my writing.

Now the thing about "my car" is that it is actually my mother's old car. Since she bought that ugly Box, she didn't need it anymore and it was running better than the car I had at the time. But of course, ever since she gave it to me, she's been making remarks that the car is not going to last forever and asking/nagging "when are you going to think about getting another car." So I'm not looking forward to the next time she asks me "how's the car doing" (which she asks quite frequently). The one upside is that I can say I made a good decision about not driving to Hometown for Easter.

Now I'm just chillin at home, wishin the Masters was on already. Dr. J's mom has offered to come pick me up, but of course I feel bad that she has to come out of her way. Sigh. Very strange Easter Sunday I'm having so far...

Hair Story

One of the few things I am enjoying about teaching my Speciality Course this semester is introducing students to issues that are unique to Black women's identity and body politics such as Black skin and Black hair. Much has been written and said about these topics--especially about good/bad hair and the light/dark skin conflicts in various spaces and places within not just historical, but contemporary American culture.

Every Black woman I know has a "hair story" or two (or a million). Stories about trying to find a good stylist. Stories of hair coming out and breaking off after a "bad perm." Stories of braids too tight--stories of an unexpected downpour and an unexpected afro. Stories of being in school and having their hair touched and pulled for being "weird" or "different" or "nappy." Stories that represent wonderful memories of being around other Black women--in salons, in kitchens, in dorm rooms--as hair was being braided, styled, dried, fried and laid to the side. Some stories will make you cry--other will make you laugh. I love Black women's hair stories. I love seeing a sistah fresh out of the salon with that extra bounce in her step because her hair is "on point." I don't believe that just because a sistah has a relaxer or uses other chemical straighteners that she is trying to subscribe to European aesthetics, nor do I believe that every Black women who has a fro is "down" for Black people and Black politics. At the end of the day, many Black women rock their hairstyle because it works for them. And we all have a hair story to tell you why.

For me, one of my many hair stories has been my on and off relationship with chemicals. As a child my hair was braided and plaited by my godmother. Afte she moved away, it was pressed with a hotcomb for a while but I HATED that with a passion. So my mother, not really knowing how to deal with my natural hair--which has much tighter unruly curls than her own--decided that it was time for me to get my first relaxer. And the experience was actually good. My first few stylists were excellent about hair care and never over processed my hair. But as I grew older, my hair began to thin and break as my stylists changed, my hormones changed, and the levels of stress and activity in my life grew. So during grad school when my hair was at its worst, I decided to "go natural." I did the big chop and loved it. My teeny tiny fro was a shock for many. But it was so liberating for me. While my reasons for doing it weren't political, I suddenly felt unburdened by my hair. Being able to wake up in the morning and just rub some oil or lotion on my hair was amazing.



Then it started to grow. And grow. And I freaked out. It was tough to comb--impossible to style and always dry. I tried twists but the stuff the stylist used made my scalp itch. Just a couple days without a clear style and it would begin to loc. So I went back to a less harsh chemical--a mild texturizer--during my dissertation year. But I've reached a phase where I'm dissatisfied with that decision and have rededicated myself to learning how to be good to my natural hair. I really want to be like yvette and be able to teach my daughters how to love and take care of their hair (I'll have to find her post about her hair ritual with her daughters--one of my favs). So I'm growing out my texturizer once again. I probably won't do a big chop this time because that would cause my mother to have a pre-wedding heart attack. But before I get married, my goal is to have a healthy napptural head of hair using healthy products to maintain it.

One site that I've been reading discusses the chemicals commonly found in hair shampoos and conditioners. And regardless of your ethnicity, it definitely presents a compelling case for avoiding a lot of the products found on the shelf. Some of these products include (from Nappturality.com):

  • ISOPROPYL ALCOHOL: This is a solvent and denaturant (poisonous substance that changes another substances natural qualities). Isopropyl alcohol is found in hair color rinses, body rubs, hand lotions, after-shave lotions, fragrances and many other cosmetics. This petroleum-derived substance is also used in antifreeze and as a solvent in shellac.
  • MINERAL OIL & PETROLATUM: The best baby oil is made from almonds. But the oil which being sold as baby oil is 100% mineral oil. Mineral oil is a
    derivative of crude oil (petroleum) that is used industrially as a cutting fluid
    and lubricating oil. This commonly used petroleum ingredient coats the skin and hair just like plastic wrap.

  • SODIUM LAURYL SUFATE (SLS) & SODIUM LAURETH SULFATE (SLES): SLS is used in testing labs as the standard ingredient to irritate skin. Used as detergents and surfactants, these closely related compounds are found in car wash soaps, garage floor cleaners and engine degreasers. Yet both SLS and SLES are used more widely as one of the major ingredients in cosmetics, toothpaste, hair conditioner and about 90% of all shampoos and products that foam. They are used in personal-care products because they are cheap. A small amount generates a large amount of foam, and when salt is added it thicken to give the illusion of being thick and concentrated. (SOME OF THE NITROSATING AGENTS ARE: SLS, SLES, DEA, TEA, MEA). Shampooing the hair with a product contaminated with these substances can lead to its absorption into the body at levels much higher than eating nitrite-contaminated foods.Mark Fearer in an article, Dangerous Beauty, says, "...in tests, animals that were exposed to SLS experienced eye damage, along with depression, labored breathing, diarrhea, severe skin irritation and
    corrosion and death."

After reading this and looking at all of the synthetic compounds in my old hair products, I decided that I'm not being good to my hair if I stop using relaxers and texturizers but still use shampoos and other products that still have harsh chemicals. I've flirted with natural products before and love Carol's Daughter, but since I don't live in New York or in a city with a Sephora, I can only get her products online.

My cousin, who is a doctor of naturopathic medicine, suggested that I try Aubrey Organics--a line of personal care products that is available at local markets and vitamin stores. And I must say, for the first time, I finally feel like I am truly being good to my hair. Right now I'm using HoneySuckle Rose. I love the way my hair smells after it is washed and conditioned--sweet, soft, and clean. I must admit, when I was younger, I envied that some girls hair would smell like strawberries or something floral. My hair, laden with all types of products, always just smelled like hair grease, or pink lotion, or oil sheen. Now, just using natural products and pure oils, my hair smells wonderful, and I immediately noticed a difference. I use some of Carol's Daughter's styling aids, such as Hair Milk and Hair Honey (which smells so yummy), but I'm thinking about experimenting with Aubrey's Mandarin Magic Ginkgo Leaf & Ginseng Root Hair Moisturizing Jelly and Leave-In Conditioner and Curl Activator (although I have a feeling this one may not smell so nice).

So tonight, after washing my hair and filling my place with the soft aroma of honeysuckle and rose, I thought I'd share one of my hair stories as I've alluded to my hair and body issues without discussing them. This is just one strand of the story of course. But it feels good to write about this journey of learning to be good to myself and good to my hair.

Too Heavy a Load

Apparently it is still fashionable to use racist slurs such as "jigaboo." I mean I knew it was still okay to call a woman (especially a Black woman) a "ho" for no reason. There are all kinds of examples of that sexism EVERYDAY. But even cynical me was taken off guard by jigaboo. I thought folks had become more creative in their racism in the 21st century. Silly me.

Kudos to the National Association of Black Journalists (NABJ) for condemning the remarks of nationally syndicated radio host Don Imus and producer Bernard McGuirk. In their Friday release:


The National Association of Black Journalists remains outraged after the racially inflammatory insults made by radio personality Don Imus, even though the shock jock offered a two-line apology days after he called members of the Rutgers women's basketball team 'nappy-headed ho's.'

NABJ is calling for the immediate removal of Imus and his WFAN producer, Bernard McGuirk -- who referred to the players as "jigaboos and wannabees" -- by Monday morning.

Imus and McGuirk in their comments compared the predominantly Black Rutgers' women's basketball team to the Toronto Raptors, saying these women looked "rough" while Tennessee's girls were cute. Of course, as is also fashionable, Imus issued a two line apology for opening his mouth when he should have kept it closed.

Whatever. Despite my tone, I'm really over what he said already. I was shocked and appalled for a bit, but more annoyed by the way the story has already been brushed over. Since 2007, began, we've all been bombarded with media coverage of "remarks." Ann Coulter, Isaiah Washington, John Edwards, Rosie, the ladies at the View, Trump--when it comes to insulting just about every demographic in the country, the media is quick to parade around celebrities' racist, sexist, homophobic, weightist words.

But as quickly as this story has arisen, it seems to already be dying. Is it that the press is slower to criticize its own? Especially a host whose show runs on MSNBC (who issued their usually lame apology) and carries major sponsors like the New York Times? Is it because people just choose to give a pass to an "old loud mouth"? I mean is it really okay to overlook and ignore what someone says just because they happen to have a career full of ignorant remarks?

I find myself coming back to Deborah Gray White's Too Heavy a Load: Black Women in Defense of Themselves. White documents a number of Black women's groups who realized that too often, no one would speak for Black women other than Black women. It is a heavy load. One that seems even heavier today for the women of Rutgers basketball, who, despite their hard work, talent, and accomplishments, have to carry with them these comments. These comments are not just about race and gender, but also very much about class (urban New Jersey vs. College Town USA Knoxville) and sexuality (marginalized for being seen as too masculine or asexual or lesbian). These comments continue to show that the atmosphere for women and people of color in this country is slow to change. I am glad that the NABJ is speaking out--as well as Rutgers and ESPN. Will there be other voices? Will there be further actions taken?

Lazy Friday

Unlike Ragey, even though I slept in this morning, I did not wake up feeling productive. Dr. J and I stayed up a little late last night to catch one of our favorite shows together, so I ended up sleeping in until almost noon. Although it was wonderful sleep, I just couldn't quite get motivated to be productive. I wanted to have a lazy day and I did. I didn't read. I didn't grade. I didn't think about school at all which was great. But the main thing I needed to do today was go to the grocery store--my freezer and fridge were crying out for help. So I tried to go around 2:00, didn't happen. Tried again around 5:00, didn't happen. But the third time was the charm. It wasn't until almost 8:00 that I was able to make my way to the store, and boy did I stock up. In addition to the usual staples, I bought some fresh shrimp, garlic, and mushrooms to fix for tomorrow (a light pre-Easter meal). I'm looking forward to cooking--which is a very very rare thing. Now that the groceries are up, it is back to my lazy day.

I Might Read a Book

One of the major drawbacks of my institution here in Gorgeous City is the library. I miss the big sprawling research university libraries! Fortunately, our Interlibrary Loan Office is fabulous and has fulfilled all of my assorted requests this year (well all except for one documentary). The challenge becomes figure out what I need ahead of time to ensure that it is here for the time period I need it. That challenge has caused me to order things in splurges. In going through my latest batch today, I realized that I have a book on my desk that I can't remember why I asked for it. I started browsing through the index to see if it had some connection to the articles I've been thinking about. I couldn't come up with anything. So I started to read the preface. The preface actually reminds me a bit of the personal approach I took in my dissertation. As I move into the first chapter, it dawns on me, I'm reading a book--and I'm enjoying it. I haven't enjoyed reading a book since the summer. So I think that this weekend to celebrate getting through that awful pile of papers, I'm going to read the book, If You Can't Be Free, Be a Mystery: In Search of Billie Holiday. Just because I feel like it.

Light

Slowly but surely I can see the end of this pile of grading. I've been grading constantly for weeks now and that really sucks. Every time I get a little done, something else gets turned in. If I hadn't gotten behind, it wouldn't be so bad. The good news is, I'm almost caught up. If I can just knock out these two stacks today and tomorrow, I can actually have a grading free-weekend! Getting through this grading also means 1) I have a break from grading until the last day of class and 2) I can get my Monday writing day back. I've been thinking a lot about the pieces I need to work on, and I look forward to just diving in on Monday. I may actually spend the day in the (gasp) library. We'll see; the good news is that there is some light shining from behind this big pile of papers!!

Back

Well, my spirit and my heart feel rejuvenated after seeing Dr. J. We had a beautiful time. Just too short--as always. It sucks to be back in Gorgeous City already, but I'm sooo glad we got a little time together.

I'm also glad that I am on a Tuesday 3-2-1 countdown. Once I make it through these next couple Tuesdays, the semester will be over!! Then I can go see Dr. J graduate and relax for the summer (and do some real writing). Unfortunately, once again, I'm up late (even after today's long drive) working on my Tuesday courses. Bad planning on my part in making a change to my Major Course after last semester--I'm teaching some new texts this week. Bad idea to teach new-to-me things at the end of the semester. Rookie mistake. This is not a good combination with my Speciality Course in which I'm also teaching a new-to-me text in. I HAVE to do a better job prepping in advance when I teach my next brand new course in the fall. I just checked and it is already fully enrolled--unfortunately at the moment, my excitement for the course does not match my students who seemed to have signed up for it very eagerily. Thank goodness for the summer!

I still have a pile of grading for tomorrow. Back to work.

Can't Slap 'Em On

So today I'm in the midst of reading 6 page papers for my Major Course and it is taking forever. I really want to just get through these things so I can go home and pack for my little ride to see Dr. J tomorrow. Maybe that is why it seems to be taking forever--maybe it is taking as long as it is "supposed to." Still, it seems I have the complete inability to grade lengthy papers without lengthy comments. I find it a lot easier to quickly grade one page responses for example--it doesn't take a lot of eyeball power to see if the response has adequately addressed the given prompt.

I had tried to time myself and limit the amount of energy I spend on these longer papers, but it never works. I always end up either meeting the time limit and then providing very few comments because I have little recollection of what I just read, or I just go over the time and end up swimming in the paper anyways. I know part of the problem is that this paper is a part of each student's larger project for the semester, so I feel obligated to give extensive feedback so their final project is the best it can be. But clearly I need to think about a more effective way to do so. For next semester, I'm thinking about 1) All electronic submissions so I can just comment on the paper and copy/paste from a template of typical responses or 2) Create some type of exhaustive list/rubric of areas of improvement and highlight the areas that each paper needs to work on (I have a colleague in English that uses a coding scheme similar to this). It'll be something to think about over the summer. For now, I gotta get back to wading through this stack of papers.

20 Questions Meme

Ok, I'm tired of grading. Time for bed. A little meme before I go--seen here...

1. When you buy a greetings card are the words or the picture more important to you? The Words.

2. What's your favourite kind of cake? This is hard! I LOVE cake. Chocolate Lovin Spoon Cake from McAlister's, Mom's Pound Cake, Ice Cream Cake and of course a good ol' Yellow Birthday Cake are among my favorites.

3. Do you ever make gifts for people, if so what, or do you buy them? I generally buy gifts--it has been a long time since I made anything for someone else--if I did make something it would probably be edible.

4. What's your favourite holiday? Christmas

5. Are you going on holiday this year? If so, where? Good question. Will hopefully have some beach time with Dr. J this summer but that may be to the local coastline.

6. What was the best party you've ever been to? Probably one of my cousin's birthday parties.

7. If you are married, describe your wedding. If not, what would your ideal wedding be like? We are still figuring out what we'd like our wedding to be like. I think that we'd like to have something a bit fancy and a bit fun. We want to do something really nice and formal to celebrate our big day--something that our families don't normally experience. But we also want the event to communicate our fun and laid back side as well. In terms of details, our ideal wedding will have a traditional Christian ceremony with lots of personalized elements, a hearty dinner under romantic lighting, and a packed dance floor.

8. What's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to you? Getting engaged.

9. What's your favourite romantic song? "Stars" by Kindred the Family Soul.

10. Which celebrity would you like a dream date with? None.

11. Which female celebrity do you find beautiful? There are so many. I'd have to say Angela Bassett is one of my favorites for her classic beauty.

12. Which male celebrity do you think is attractive? Michael Jordan is always a fav.

13. If you could be a fictional character from a book who would you choose? Gotta think on this one...

14. If you could be in a television sit-com, which would you choose? I would have loved to be one of the many Black entertainers, writers, artists, musicians, etc. who had a cameo on The Cosby Show.

15. Which character would you like to be? Of course on the Cosbys I wanted to be Rudy (especially in the early episodes).

16. What's your favourite girl's name? Simone

17. What's your favourite boy's name? Sterling

18. What's your supermarket of choice? Publix at the moment, but I miss Wegmans.

19. What is your best character trait? Sensitivity

20. What is your worst habit? Perfectionism

Working Order

It should go without saying, but I'm so glad it is Friday. In the midst of the business of the week and the emotions around Dr. J's visit, I've been struggling a bit physically. Increased fatigue and stomach problems didn't really get my attention--but almost passing out at the gym the other day did. So I went to the doctor and discovered I may have experienced something called vasovagal pre-syncope. I learned a lot (and perhaps now have a reason for why I fainted in the eighth grade, the cause for which was never known even after a CAT scan). It is good to know that what I experienced is not serious or uncommon and that several things (a possible stomach bug, strenuous leg exercise, and perhaps a little dehydration) may have led to it. I'm just relieved that I don't have some serious condition and this was a needed reminder to take it easy and take care of myself. I think the doctor is correct in that I have been fighting a stomach virus, but as my stomach is so easily upset during a certain time of the month or when I'm very stressed, I hadn't been paying it much attention.

So although I may not be 100%, it is good to know everything inside is working as it should for the most part. I'm going to take it easy today and just get a little grading done so I can enjoy seeing Dr. J on Sunday!

Cause for Concern

So Tuesday we had a long and arduous faculty meeting. There was much debate--not really at each other--about the changing face of the university and the seemingly endless amount of "action step" coming from the administration without resources or support. We were invited by the administration to "begin a conversation" related to teaching and research. There are certain goals the admins would like to see put in place, but we are left to our own devices and our own budgets to figure out how to accomplish these goals. Now on the surface, it sounds really nice what they are asking us to aim for; however, there are significant pedagogical and research implications given the massive amounts of majors in our department. While some departments will be able to adopt this change quickly, a change for us means that we take a hit in some other area.

Now, as per usual, I don't say anything in these meetings. Rarely. Although I feel my voice is valued, I often feel I lack the institutional and departmental history needed to say something significant. Ordinarily, Chair seems okay with this. But tonight I and two of the newest faculty members received a note from Chair that indicated we might want to speak up on this because we actually had more to lose on this issue than some of the senior faculty. I suddenly felt like I missed something. I'm absolutely unclear how this carries more weight for us. I'm going to have to talk to the other new faculty members--hopefully they can clue me in before I speak with Chair.

Cool

CoChairs are nominating my dissertation for an award at Major Conference. Cool. Now I have to open it up and find a good sample or create a new document that synthesizes everything in thirty pages. Hmm, that's about one for every thirty pages. I really don't know how I'm going to tackle that one--we'll see. But in any event, it is pretty cool that they want to nominate me at least.

Rest and Relief

Dr. J is back tucked safely into the mountains of University Town. I had a great night's sleep. So good in fact that I slept right through my alarm and into my office hours. Whoops. Hopefully my work with students outside of class yesterday means that none of them are looking for me today. But as it turned out, Dr. J and I got in about the same time last night and once we finally connected on the phone, it was close to midnight and we talked for a few hours. Given how long both of our days were, we should have been a bit wiser about going to bed, but there was so much to debrief on.

All told, he had a great visit. It was real--he got to see some of the good and not so good of the school. There were rumors that Top School was snobby and there were a few people who proved that, but all in all I think he had great interactions with folks and the Dean seemed positive about the visit. He had the opportunity to meet with some top scholars on my side of the ivory tower and it sounds like they are as spectacular as I know their work to be and that potentially there could be a place for me there. I didn't really expect that to come out of the visit. While Top School is known for being top in just about every field, it does not have a department in my primary area. But it sounds like they have some intriguing slightly related field options. Top School was on my list of postdocs when I was thinking about that so I have much respect for their humanities programs. But back to the point. I think Dr. J did great. It sounds like he handled the little bit of hostility he received in the proper fashion. He had a great talk and made some great connections with all of the "power" people he met.

I'm so excited for him--he said he could hear me beaming through the phone. I'm so glad everything went well and I know that if for some reason he didn't get the offer, it is only because they are looking for someone how does something completely different. But I'm still believing that the best is going to come out of this situation. The difference now is that there are at least things to think about. Before, an offer was a no-brainer, but now seeing some of the ugly (real) sides of the department, he'll have to think a bit more about this. Now we wait. It could be at least two weeks as the faculty is not scheduled to meet until then, but the Dean indicated that he would try to be in touch in the meantime. So we wait.

As for me, of course, it was good to just have our time back too. I missed him and can't wait to see him this weekend!

Pins and Needles

I really hate Tuesdays. I think I've mentioned that already.

Today is no better than the usual lot of them (compounded by a unnecessarily long faculty meeting). I'm still significantly behind on my grading for my night class which makes going to class to tell them a bit of a chore. But I will have to just assume the position because I'm not going to kill myself and lose anymore sleep over this grading stuff.

But this Tuesday sucks because Dr. J is still interviewing and I haven't heard his voice since early this morning when he called to say his breakfast meeting was a no-show (turned out to be very very late). It was good to get a message that said his talk went well, but I'm dying to know the details of the day, and I gotta go to this freakin class!!! (And I'm procrastinating doing so by blogging--sad isn't it). By the time I get out, of course, Dr. J will be back on the airplane somewhere. Hopefully I'll get to talk to him while it is still Tuesday.

The suspense is killing me!!!

Emotions

Dr. J is in the airplane at this moment traveling to a different time zone for THE campus visit to Top School. I'm in a heap of emotions right now for a host of different reasons. For starters, I'm nervous for him. It is his first (and potentially only) visit for this semester, so I empathize with his feelings of not knowing what to expect or how things are going to go. My brief time on the market means that I don't have a lot of sage advice to offer. And of course now that I'm on the other side of the process having gone through a search here this year, I now know all of the ways in which my visit wasn't that great (another story). This is a big time research school--which is very different from where I am--and his field is so different than mine that I often feel like my perspective or the information I do have is irrelevant. I too wonder what types of questions they will ask and how they will grill him (or not) on the details of his results and statistics. I wish I could be more helpful in those regards.

I'm also quite nervous because he's in the air. I used to think very little about airplanes and would hop on them all the time without a care. One of my good friends from high school would hate when I was traveling by airplane. I'd have to call him as soon as I hit the ground so he could go on with his day. Now I can relate. Whenever Dr. J travels I find myself holding my breath somewhat. I almost had a nervous breakdown the last time he flew to Fabulous Bay City on the West Coast because he got in late and I didn't know where he was for about an hour. I know that he'll be fine and he'll call me soon as he gets in, but I must admit, the older I get, the harder this flying thing is on my nerves.

I'm also a bit (tiny bit) bummed that I can't be with him or that we couldn't make a trip out of this. While I wouldn't want to necessarily be in town during his visit, I would have loved for us to have been able to spend some time in Top School City. I've been there once before and I loved it. I know he's going to really like it (I think) and it would be a great place for us to explore together. So much of our relationship has been marked by traveling--at least 50% of the time that we see each other we are in some city where neither of us lives. It feels strange not to be on the go with him.

Then there's the anxiety part. I'm doing my best to squash this, but my overly organized/always-be-prepared side is fighting to come out on this one. I'm trying so hard not to think about (yet) how the offer from Top School is going to impact our life and my future here in Gorgeous City. I am very confident that he is going to get an offer--everything about the way they have courted him speaks positively to their wanting him on board. And that is so exciting. He deserves it--he's worked incredibly hard for this moment. I know he would rest much easier through the remainder of this dissertation process with offer in hand (and the people on his committee would stop trippin). But I'd be lying if I wasn't honest that it is tough being a bit in limbo. I've been operating under the assumption that he will get the offer and that I'm going to have to do something at some point--but the vagueness of "at some point" does make me quite anxious at times.

And if all of those emotions weren't enough, I'm hugely excited. There really isn't a better school out there for what he wants to do and there definitely isn't one with more resources. Top School actually recruited me pretty heavily when I was in high school and I would have killed to be an undergraduate there (but Mom was not feeling me going away that far--our bargain was that I had to have 100% support--no loans--to go away). I love the school--there are exciting people there and great students. The city is just right for me: not too crowded, lots of different areas, lots of places to walk and explore, diverse, not too hot, and has good food. Dr. J's schedule is so packed that I don't think he's going to see more than the campus, but I hope he'll get a little taste of why I like the city so much. I just really want him to enjoy being pampered and fawned over for a couple days, and I hope he comes back feeling rejuvenated and affirmed that this is the career and direction for him. I'm excited because I think he is going to get a lot of positive feedback from the top people in his field and make some good connections for future research projects.

Now if he could just land and call me, I can go on with my day....

UPDATE (6:00PM): Dr. J made it in safely so I was able to get moving and go to my Appointment and work-out without too much worry. I was still a little nervous until I found out what a wonderful blessing came his way before his schedule got started. He had some lag time between getting to the hotel and his first meeting so he went to find something to eat. He run into a very senior and respected scholar from his home department at his home university who happens to be on the research board at Top School. The two of them had lunch and it sounds like Senior Scholar really helped to ease Dr. J's nerves and gave him some good pointers on what to do during the visit. I could hear the change in his voice--so with his nerves calmed, I've been less nervous and more excited for him.

Stuck

I was stuck in bed this morning and really didn't think I'd be able to peel myself out of the sheets to go to church. But I really wanted to go, and I managed to somehow pull myself out of bed. I enjoyed getting out for a bit and the time in church was good.

But now I'm back at home--stuck--again. Stuck with my behind on the couch when I should be grading or reading or something. I hate this feeling of one step forward and five steps back. Today I'm back--way back. And I'm not even sure why.

I got on the computer to try to write through this, but the words just aren't coming right now. Maybe later.

TGIF

I'm so glad to be done with this week. I feel like I survived. I was up way too early this morning (it was dark outside--too weird). I had a good time with the VIPs when I finally got to campus (after a 75 minute commute which is why I don't generally go to campus in the morning). After the meeting, I got some work done for next week's classes and waited for students to turn in their next round of papers. Thankfully, all of my students except for one or two submitted their papers by the indicated noon deadline, even after much whining and petitioning for it to be moved to 5:00. I'm glad I kept the early deadline--that allowed me to leave a bit earlier today and run some errands before coming home to take a serious nap. I was a bit too tired and sore to workout today, but I will get in my last workout of the week tomorrow.

Tonight, I'll do a little grading or reading until Dr. J gets home from work for our Friday night TV date. Unfortunately grading will occupy most of my weekend and probably a bit of my Monday, but I'm going to try my best to get these papers done before Monday so I can have my writing day.

I'm actually looking forward to this weekend and the week ahead. The week ahead brings the end of March and the beginning of April. Having April in sight is like the light at the end of the tunnel for my students and for me. I'm catching their "itis" for graduation. This week Dr. J is headed to his campus visit. I'm excited for him; it is great opportunity and I know he's going to do wonderfully. On a related note, this coming week marks the end of our extended time apart. I'm still bummed that I didn't make it to University Town during Spring Break and was unsure when we'd get together again. It looks like we are going to meet somewhere in between University Town and Gorgeous City which will be a nice mini-vacation. I truly need some time with him. It has been way too long--since the Superbowl. Hopefully when I see him we'll be celebrating positive news on his campus visit (they were pretty quick about contacting him after the conference interview--I'm keeping my fingers crossed for another quick callback).

Good Decision

So today, my department's VIPs are in town. We are really fortunate as a department to have a group of A-list professionals from various corporations and related entities to our field who basically serve as "sponsors" to our department. The VIPs come South to our campus once or twice a year although they get together more often in several of the nation's largest cities. In any event, their arrival means lots of events and meetings where faculty are encouraged to attend. Things such as this have their benefits and drawbacks. For me, as the newbie and the only raisin in the bowl of milk, I often feel an additional encouragement to attend. I was especially encouraged today when I ran into one of the White House connected VIPs who was "so excited to meet me" and who informed me that "Chair is a big fan of you" (translation--we've been talking about you).

After teaching two classes and coordinating my independent study, I had a decision to make.
Choice A: Kick it with the VIPs, get home around 10 or 11PM, and then try to work and be up for VIP function in the AM.
Choice B: Go home and catch up on work that I missed this week to clear my docket for the next 50 papers that are getting turned in tomorrow. Kick it with VIPs in the AM.

After a little internal debate, I opted for Choice B. It was a good decision because I was tremendously productive and tackled a mountain of papers that I was beginning to suffocate under. But the hardest part is ignoring the nagging voice in my head that says "you shoulda gone." I know in my heart that I can't be everywhere and do everything all the time, but I don't always believe that in my head--my mind loves to over think these things and I end up feeling guilty or like I somehow failed when I don't balance all the balls I got going in the air right now. And unfortunately, I really allowed a lot of that thinking to go unchecked through the dissertation year. So after finally hitting a bottom and crashing and burning this week, I am doing my best to just say--"Good decision Mon"--and stick with that.

Photo Finish

In more positive news, we got our contract for a wedding photographer today. After additional research, Lois and Clark kept coming out on top. So it is a official--we have a place, I have a dress, and we have pictures. Assuming the guests show up, I'm really good to go from here!

Recovery

Today was a better day. I had a restful sleep and woke up feeling better.

Then I had An Appointment (generic link to what I mean). I've been talking about going for a while--thinking about going for years--but never actually done it until now. I know that people do it all the time; it is even one of Dr. J's areas of expertise. But it is still very foreign to me--even though it seems really run of the mill for academics--none of my friends outside of the academy have--appointments. So at any rate, I did. It was difficult at times but it was much needed. Much like blogging, it was good to just get some things out of my system. I don't know to what extent this will help me kick this blue funk I am in, but I'm willing to just go with the process for a while. I know I can be patient with the process, but I don't know if I can really be patient with me--that is the challenge and that is a big reason why I'm a bit of a mess right now. Dr. J of course is being wonderfully supportive as always, and I'm so thankful to have such a loving and beautiful partner. I want more than anything to be a healthy and whole person for him and for our future family, so I have really got to take the time to take care of me (and be consistent about it)--in whatever form of care that may be.

One thing that did come out of today was further encouragement to keep working out to help with how I've been feeling and to keep my energy up. So right after the meeting I did workout and made some appointments with the trainer for next week. I hope he'll help me come up with some new exercises because I realized today that I am definitely getting bored with my current routine.

The other thing that I needed to do today was eat some real food. I haven't cooked a good meal for myself in a while and with my stomach being all out of whack of late, it was a much needed step in feeling better to just get some good solid food in me.

Slowly my mind is getting back on track to focus on school again. I'm going to do a little work for school tomorrow, but I'm trying not to overdo it. I'm not 100% yet, but I'm okay with that.

Lesson Learned

I stayed up until 5AM. First mistake.
I was prepared for class. I was sick. I took a nap.
I woke up for class. I was queasy. I went to class. Big mistake.
I taught somehow faciliated the first two classes. I managed not to faint or otherwise embarrass myself.
I fell apart in my office. I cancelled my last class. I felt awful.
I went home. I crashed. Lesson learned.

Still crashing. Try again tomorrow.

Personal Day

It probably wouldn't be a good move to take a personal day tomorrow. But I am really thinking about it. Is that even possible? Can I play hookie? That would be really unprofessional--wouldn't it?? I do have three sections of students who will likely show up for class so I should too. Right? Thing is, it is 2AM, and I haven't accomplished much on prepping for class tomorrow. How quickly my day has taken a downward spiral. For a number of unbloggable reasons, I feel like crap emotionally which inevitably leads to me feeling like crap physically. My overly sensitive stomach is now responding to my overly sensitive heart. This sucks.

Writing Progress?

For better or worse, my previous post has put publications on my mind in a major way. Over the past few weeks, I've started peeking at the dissertation--thinking about which chapters I want to turn into articles and which I want to revise for the book. Chapter Seven (the last case study) was pulled out last month for a conference paper. It is the least like any of the other chapters in the project. I hope it is selected for Major Conference--it is a "fun" piece and is really different from most of the work that I do. I know it needs more work before publication and because that work is mostly theoretical in nature, I'm just not ready to tackle it yet.

I've decided Chapter Six is the other chapter that would make for a good independent piece. Methodologically speaking, it is more in line with the type of work that I am most comfortable doing--it relies more heavily on textual criticism than it does theory. However, it is definitely more contemporary and most of my work. Chapter Six is also the "oldest" piece in my dissertation--the first version of it evolved not too long after 9/11. As a chapter, it probably represents some of my best writing in the dissertation, so on that front, it does not need a lot of polishing for publication. However, it does need updating since the political issues it covers have expanded and changed in important ways since the midterm elections. Most importantly, the chapter needs cutting.

So for the past few hours, instead of grading, I've been cutting Chapter Six. Almost all of the biographical/historical context has been cut out (or at least relocated to a separate document for the time being). I've also removed all references to my own framework that tied my dissertation together. This was necessary, but means that I need to rebuild this essay to demonstrate how the text I analyze is an important alternative to dominant political discourse at this moment. I've also started some of the work of updating this piece by researching the latest newspaper/scholarly sources on my subject. In doing so, I had a small epiphany--this text completely subverts conventional wisdom in our field on two genres of rhetoric. Therefore, I need to spend some more time talking about those two genres in this essay. I think that will go a long way to replace the pages I just cut out and to directly engage in a number of "ongoing scholarly conversations." I feel good about the new recent development of this essay and much better about my use of my Monday writing day.

Ok, I really need to grade now (hopefully writing that down will make it happen soon). Moments like this (when I finally get something going on my writing and feel a little excited about it) give me . . . well just gives me a lot to think about for future career developments.

Gotta Work it Out

Although I hate Tuesdays with a passion, I actually like Mondays (most of the time). This is my day to write--I don't go to campus and try to avoid all class related work on Mondays. This week I needed my Monday to get back on my regular workout schedule at the gym. Since we returned from Spring Break, I've been rushing to get back on schedule with my teaching and grading so I missed a whole week at the gym. It was good to get back to the gym today--even though I am thoroughly exhausted now.

I'm still a bit behind on class prep stuff, so unfortunately my writing is going to be on the back burner today. I desperately want to get an article or two off for review before the semester ends, but it looks more and more like that is not going to happen. I haven't given up completely yet; hopefully I will find a little time today to at least look at the revisions that I need to do on one of my pieces. Based on the last comments from my writing group, my 19th Century Piece #1 needs more focus and a stronger argument. I have a new outline for it, but I need a bit more time to think about it. That piece probably won't go out until the summer. In the meantime, it may be more practical to focus on 19th Century Piece #2 and/or Chapter Six from the dissertation. Both are works in progress at the moment. Although Chair indicated in my evaluation meeting that I am on the right track, it is very uncomfortable for me to still be without any publications on my CV other than little encyclopedia works. I really want to spend the summer on my book prospectus, but I already see that goal getting pushed back if I can't get some of these potential journal articles out of the potential category.

Sigh. For now, it is time to do some grading and some reading--I'll think about this writing business later today.

Waiting for My Date

Just killin a little time while waitin for Dr. J to get in from a late night of working on the diss. It is nice to be able to return the favor. I know there was many a night that he waited up for me while I was writing away. I really do wish I could help him get through SPSS though. I hope my cheerleading from the sidelines is enough!

In the meantime, I've learned:

You Are Emerald Green

Deep and mysterious, it often seems like no one truly gets you.
Inside, you are very emotional and moody - though you don't let it show.
People usually have a strong reaction to you... profound love or deep hate.
But you can even get those who hate you to come around. There's something naturally harmonious about you.


You Are Apple Red

You're never one to take life too seriously, and because of it, you're a ton of fun.
And although you have a great sense of humor, you are never superficial.
Deep and caring, you do like to get to the core of people - to understand them well.
However, any probing you do is light hearted and fun, sometimes causing people to misjudge you.


Your Power Color Is Red-Orange

At Your Highest:

You are warm, sensitive, and focused on your personal growth.

At Your Lowest:

You become defensive and critical if you feel attacked.

In Love:

You are loyal - but you demand the respect you deserve.

How You're Attractive:

You are very affectionate and inspire trust.

Your Eternal Question:

"Am I Respected?"

One Word Only

It's Saturday, I need a good meme to get me going. Dug this one up from Doc's archives...

One word--no explanations.

1. Yourself: procrastinating
2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend: completion
3. Your hair: unruly
4. Your mother: interesting
5. Your father: who?
6. Your favorite item: Palm
7. Your dream last night: active
8. Your favorite drink: cherry
9. Your dream car: solar
10. The room you are in: bright
11. Your ex: unstable
12. Your fear: bugs
13. What you want to be in 10 years: mother
14. Who you hung out with last night: prospectives
15. What you're not: bitter
16. Muffins: blueberry
17: One of your wish list items: home
18: Time: shortage
19. The last thing you did: laundry
20. What you are wearing: fluffy
21. Your favorite weather: fall
22. Your favorite book:Kindred
23. The last thing you ate:breakfast
24. Your life: busy
25. Your mood: okay
26. Your best friend (s): away
27. What are you thinking about right now: love
28. Your car: dirty
29. What are you doing at the moment: typing
30. Your summer: packed
31. Your relationship status: engaged
32. What is on your tv: basketball
33. What is the weather like: chilly
34. When is the last time you laughed: morning

Moving Slow

This evening, I'm supposed to participate in an event for the admissions office--boy I don't feel like it. It is already getting late in the afternoon, and I haven't done any of the things I wanted to do before I went to campus today. I should have gone to the gym, gone grocery shopping, hit the post office and the bank by now.

But today is just a turtle day for me I guess. I'll get out of here eventually.

Good Questions, Katie Couric

Ok, ProfessingMama has truly made her claim for being the next Katie Couric. Here are her five questions for me and they are goodies!

1. How did you know Dr J was "the one"? (I know you've blogged about him many times, but it's been awhile! :) )
To butter up her interview subject, ProfMama begins with what she knows is a softball question. {For the long versions of Dr. J and Dr. Mon--go here and here.}

From our very first conversation, I felt an instant and intimate connection with him. I can only describe it as the most intense deja vu I've ever experienced. There was this wonderfully frightening feeling of deep familiarity from day one. I am frequently the person that men tell "oh I feel so comfortable around you" or "oh I feel like I've known you forever." However, it is rare that I feel that same way about someone else. With Dr. J, it was truly instant. I believe I truly knew he was "the one" on our first lunch together. We spent a couple hours together that day, and I left feeling like the course of my entire life had been changed--or more importantly finally set on the right path. He is the first man I've ever kissed first--especially on a "first date" and I knew at that moment that he was my first first kiss and my last first kiss. After that, it was just a matter of confirmation. I was so overwhelmed by the fact that this incredible relationship was happening to me, that I was hesitant to trust what my heart and my head knew. Small things happened everyday that kept confirming--yes this is it--yes this is it--now don't mess it up. Up to that point, I had never been concerned about "messing up." With Dr. J, it was clear to me from the beginning that this was the relationship I should cherish the most and be the most careful with. By the end of that first month and our first extended weekend together, I knew I was in love (as did he) and we had a wonderful intimate conversation that really will be the basis for our wedding vows this time next year.

2. How has your sorority shaped you into the woman you are today?
I should really post on this one day. Short answer is that I have always admired the historically Black sorority tradition. I grew up around AKAs and Deltas, women ranging from ages 20-70+, and grew to respect the history of LIFETIME (not just four years) service and political activism of these organizations. While I'll save wrestling with critiques of the present state of our organizations for another day, I found that when I went to college, many of the women in NPHC organizations were still upholding these values. I was especially drawn to Sigma Gamma Rho because the chapter in my College City was extremely active--they were always doing programs--to such an extent that I heard about them on my campus even though we did not have a chapter their. After researching the organization, I learned that historically speaking, Sigma was very different from the other major NPHC sororities. Sigma was founded by seven schoolteachers at Butler University (the only of the major sororities not founded at Howard). Having always been in predominantly White institutions, I really identified with what the founder must of gone through. In any event, I digress, once I learned about Sigma, I knew if I ever joined a sorority, it would be that one. But I thought I would have to wait until after college, until I found that I could join the chapter on another campus. So to answer the question, the experience of joining Sigma--but especially at another school where I didn't know anyone--did WONDERS for my confidence. I couldn't be a wallflower anymore--I had to put myself out there and see what happened. And would happened was beautiful. I was embraced and surrounded by Black women like me--beautiful, education, involved, ambitious--suddenly I wasn't "the odd ball" or "the only one" anymore. Seeing positive reflections of Black women my age was great for my self-esteem and was a positive part of my college experience. It gave my a social life outside of the drinking and partying of my own institution and a creative outlet for activism. It kept me grounded, it exposed me to new ideas, and most importantly, it gave me a safe space to grow and learn without the fear of making mistakes. Often times as a Black woman in predominantly White institutions, I feel that I can't make mistakes--that the mistakes I make are assigned not just to me, but to my entire race (and gender). The sorority became a safe place to experiment with leadership, public speaking, mentoring, recruitment, financial planning, programming development for women and people of color, and a whole host of things. I'm extremely grateful to Sigma--especially for the leadership experiences it has afforded me and the women I have been connected to. This year is the first year I haven't been incredibly active, and it is hard--I feel like something is missing all the time and it is frustrating not to be able to give back to the organization that has given me so much.

3. What song takes you to "back in the day"?
While Michael Jackson’s “Billie Jean” ranks high on the list of songs I loved as a kid, there was an entire era of (dare I say)—Black Boy Bands—that takes me back. That good ol’ era when all the guys were rocking those crazy Hi Top Fades instead of grills. My cousin was crazy about The Boys (who did have very fun videos), but I preferred the more “mature” sounds of Hi-Five. Here are two songs that take me back to the more positive days of my youth—my cousin’s birthday parties with our (oooh) public school friends. There was all types of swooning going on:


The Boys--"Crazy"--One of the cutest videos ever


Hi-Five--"Can't Wait Another Minute"--Don't Swoon




4. In the early days of your blog, you wrote that you considered going to law school instead of/in addition to grad school. What appealed to you about law school, and why did you decide against it?
A truly skilled investigative reporter, ProfMama has pointed to something that I don’t remember saying aloud but is indeed very true.
My first consideration of law school began in high school when I became obsessed with the series Law & Order. My closest friend from high school got me hooked--we'd watch reruns on A&E constantly, and he actually went to college as a prelaw student. We had fascinating conversations about the most minute points of the legal system reflecting what I think was just an infatuation. The second phase happened in college when I involved with a law student who was also pursuing his MBA. I was moving towards graduate school at that point, but wasn’t sold on the idea of being a “teacher” so I begin to investigate dual degree programs. Eventually my love of my independent research as an undergraduate just drowned out my second phase of interest in the law school idea. Law school has continued to resurface as an idea due to the increasingly political nature of my work. Initially as a graduate student, I was just interested in Black women’s activism in the 19th century. But as my research became more current to address Black women politicians, the issues of the law, politics, government, citizenship, race, rhetoric, and gender became more intertwined in my head. So once again I flirted with the idea of law school after my MA, and even early into my PhD program I would still think about it every now and then. Of course by the time I got to dissertating, I wanted nothing to do with being in school again. Now that I’ve finished and my work is so explicitly political, people ask me all the time if I am thinking about going into politics. That’s not my plan, but, if I were to do so, I’m sure the idea of going to law school would come up again.

5. In what ways has life as a professor surprised you/been what you expected?
Today was a good example of the expected. I had to stop being productive to have someone take my pictures to be in a newsletter. I expected constant interruptions and I expected to be a bit of a poster child. Neither has bothered me too much, but I am still working to get used to the starting and stopping of work when I am on campus. Poster child business just comes with the territory--but it is funny that since being here, I often hear reports from people in my Hometown that have seen me on some College advertisement or heard about me being here through the grapevine.

The biggest surprise has been the students. I growing up in this state, I knew that this school had a reputation for being a bit of a party school. But I've found that the students here are pretty sharp (even though they are being lazy this week) and I've been amazed at their eagerness to work with me outside of class. I've also been a bit surprised at the ease with which my schedule gets out of control and I'm still learning to negotiate that.


There you have it. In the spirit of the meme, if you want to play along, post a comment that says "I would like you to ask me questions even though you are not Katie Couric." I'll email you questions, you answer them on your blog, and then you offer to ask somebody else questions.

Mission Impossible

Ok, it is Thursday. Several days after Spring Break. Everyone should be back in the proper time zone and all of that by now. And it isn't St. Patrick's Day yet (I don't think it is, is it?)

Where are my students????

They look like my students, they talk like my students, but these can't be my students!! It is like zombies or something have taken over their bodies. My more coherent students have offered the following "insights":
  1. Graduation is finally in sight.
  2. They are still on Spring Break. (Also expressed as "from this point out, it is like a permanent Spring Break.")
  3. It is hard to get back into the routine of school after being gone for a whole week.
  4. I dunno.

Teaching today was tough. I put up a good fight, but really, I'm quite tired myself and could use a little more Spring Break. Unfortunately, I don't have the luxury of staying on vacation. Over the weekend, I'm going to have to think about some new things for the last few weeks of class--this group has definitely gone over to the "dark side" and I gotta find a way to pull them back into the light!

Office Meditations

When I make plans to be productive at the office, I am constantly interrupted by students. Today, however, is the first exception ever. Thanks Spring Break. It has been wonderfully quiet on campus since we (the faculty) came back from break. I'm looking forward to the students coming back at some point. But seriously, it was so strange that I had my best attendance in my earliest class yesterday. As the day went on, I saw less and less students--not just in my class, but even walking around campus. It was like a ghost town by 5:00 and I couldn't understand why until it hit me--it is 5:00, it is in the high 70s, and there are still a few hours of daylight. I think we've officially lost our students to the coastline for the rest of the semester. Sigh. Well if that is the case: Thanks warm weather! Thanks sunshine! I'm finally getting some work done at the office!

In other the spirit of sunshine, I received a lot of good news yesterday, on one of my longest Tuesdays yet. After only a couple hours of sleep Monday night due to grading and rereading Assata, I had to be on campus extra early for the annual meeting with Chair. The meeting went really well, and my wonderful efficient chair had a nice report typed up for me that we just reviewed. The report was warm and positive and indicated that I'm on the right track--yeah! Later in the day I learned that my most recent short article was accepted for a reference work in my subfield. I'm really excited about that because it was a last minute invitation to write by a Big name in the discipline--so that was very cool news. Lastly, I learned I am among a small group of faculty selected to attend a summer tech program that my institution puts on each year. I was afraid that they didn't have enough applicants because they extended the deadline, but it turns out there were many more applicants than there were available seats. So I'm so excited. We get all kinds of new technology for participating and extra summer $$ which I could definitely use!

Hopefully the increasing sunshine is a sign on more positive things to come for this half of the semester--maybe spring is just what I need to fight off these winter blues. (Ok back to work).

Oh Break, Where Did You Go?

It is Monday already. How about that.

I STILL need to finish grading papers. I entered some very inaccurate midterm grades a few minutes ago, and I sooooo don't feel like grading the rest of these papers. But I really need to get these back tomorrow so they can make the needed corrections before the final paper is due.

I STILL need to reread Assata. I've never taught it before (good move Mon) so I must make some time today to think about what we will do tomorrow.

I STILL need to review these papers for Major Conference--I thought getting more involved in the discipline was a good idea at the time.

I STILL need some sleep. I was awaken this morning by some major cramps--what I nice way to start the week back. Thanks. I must get some sleep for my meeting with Chair in the morning (yes my extra long Tuesday is going to be even longer than normal tomorrow).

I STILL need to unpack, go grocery shopping, make some phone calls, return emails, and do some laundry for the week.

Oh Break. Darn you.

Camera Ready 3

P.P. #4: Alton Brown
My day long marathon with photo folks ended with an hour long lecture by Alton Brown in a small studio even further out in the country than the first appointment of the day. Although he is probably a very nice guy, the Alton Brown-type guy got on my last nerves. It was partially the rhetorical situation of course; it was the last part of a long day, and I wanted the "quick and dirty." Instead, I got a line by line explanation of all of his packages, albums, contracts, and his work with his "girls." Every bride he worked with was referred to as "girl" which also got on my last nerves. Again, very nice guy--he showed us a lot of different types of photo albums, a slide show, and we even got to peek at his computer where he does his post-processing work.

Pros: Colorful array of photos and albums. Comparable prices and packages to #1 but provides more options and greater flexibility. Really nice guy. Good equipment. Solid amount of experience.

Cons: All of the photos were very similar--very straightforward with a bit of a modern twist. Very little experimentation with angles or lighting or perspective--relied heavily on computer tricks to manipulate photos rather than setting up unique shots manually. Calls grown women "girls." Part of a husband/wife team yet the wife left 5 minutes into the meeting and came back and hour later (when he was STILL talking).

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After quite a long Saturday, you would think I would be exhausted--well I was. Mom was a trooper and hung with me, but she complained so much about being tired, that I was completely shocked she wanted to go to a bridal show on Sunday after church. So we went before I left town and I had the opportunity to speak with three or four more photographers, none of which had the quality of Lois and Clark or Dean and Martin, but many of whom had comparable prices. My growing sense is that this is the new market rate for photos of the quality that I want, so it is looking more and more like our #1 team--Lois and Clark is going to be the selection in this crazy process. Hopefully we'll have it all figured out by the end of the week!!