Showing posts with label dissertation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dissertation. Show all posts
Cool
CoChairs are nominating my dissertation for an award at Major Conference. Cool. Now I have to open it up and find a good sample or create a new document that synthesizes everything in thirty pages. Hmm, that's about one for every thirty pages. I really don't know how I'm going to tackle that one--we'll see. But in any event, it is pretty cool that they want to nominate me at least.
Lovely Day
A day with a 109 degree heat index would not normally qualify itself as a lovely day in my book. But despite the dense heat and humidity that fogged my sunglasses everytime I stepped out the door, I had a quite lovely day. I woke up this morning and made myself a delicious strawberry-blackberry smoothie for breakfast and headed down to campus. I was a little late for my meeting because I couldn't find a parking space (I can't wait to get my permit) but I called ahead and my appointment helped me find a place to park. Today was office set-up day. I rearranged the furniture and my new computer (with a beautiful widescreen monitor) was set up. Then I just sat in my office. In my office. I remembered that I needed to go by the departmental office to pick up some office supplies and there was a pleasant surprise in my box--a nameplate for my door that says Dr. Mon. Dr. Mon is officially at work. I'm home on my new work laptop--blogging wirelessly for the first time in New School City. It's a Friday and I should do nothing, but I feel like working on my classes and backing up my home computer.
The bad news of the day is that my home computer fried all my USB devices so unless I want to pay for data recovery (upwards of a $1000 is the estimate I got today), I have lost my daily dissertation drafts. I have copies of the submitted drafts I turned in on my university server, but the little changes I made on a day to day basis were only on those two external drives. That sucks. I should have burned everything on a couple CDs like I planned to before I moved, but moving got in the way. I don't really need those drafts, but it sure would be nice to have them back. So in the words of Ragey--back up, back up, and back up again!! I'm going to see about backing up my home computer to this new laptop and then backing them up again on this university server. That'll be enough to keep me busy tonight. And even with the work I'm giving myself, it is still quite a lovely day.
The bad news of the day is that my home computer fried all my USB devices so unless I want to pay for data recovery (upwards of a $1000 is the estimate I got today), I have lost my daily dissertation drafts. I have copies of the submitted drafts I turned in on my university server, but the little changes I made on a day to day basis were only on those two external drives. That sucks. I should have burned everything on a couple CDs like I planned to before I moved, but moving got in the way. I don't really need those drafts, but it sure would be nice to have them back. So in the words of Ragey--back up, back up, and back up again!! I'm going to see about backing up my home computer to this new laptop and then backing them up again on this university server. That'll be enough to keep me busy tonight. And even with the work I'm giving myself, it is still quite a lovely day.
New Saturday
I love when I wake up feeling the newness of a day. I woke up a little earlier than I wanted to--around 9AM to my mother's loud voice on the phone. But I did slid right back into a great sleep and woke up a little more naturally not too long ago. I feel reenergized--cleansed from the ugliness of yesterday--looking forward to the great promise in today.
I greatly appreciate Texter for pointing out an important component of my diss abstract that was missing. I must have been thinking about it in my sleep because I woke up with a sentence in my head that I had to put down right away. Of course, now the abstract is a few words too long so I'll have to spend a little time editing today before I can print out the final diss--for good.
While I do have an itch to do some home shopping today, I'll probably stay in and get this final draft ready to go and enjoy another book or a movie. I also really need to finishing rereading Things Fall Apart. I don't remember when I read it the first time, but having taken a class on African women writers since, the images of women are so much more striking to me during this read-through. I think I must have read it for the first time during high school when I was really getting into Africana literature (on my own time of course--we didn't read any Black books in school). I was soaking up everything I could. I do remember feeling impressed by the emotional responses I had to the characters in this cultural context that I really knew nothing about--I wondered how a writer "did that." Now I still wonder the same things, but I try to pay more attention to the writing. I'm particularly cognizant of this now that I'm done with the diss and thinking about ways to revise it for publication. On the one hand, I want to put it in a box, mail it off, and not look at it for a while. On the other hand, I want to go back again and read it over and over again as a reader--to figure out where it really works and find the parts I really love--and then rewrite it as a writer--to strengthen my voice and ideas in the work and to continue to shape it into a compelling narrative for my audience(s).
I greatly appreciate Texter for pointing out an important component of my diss abstract that was missing. I must have been thinking about it in my sleep because I woke up with a sentence in my head that I had to put down right away. Of course, now the abstract is a few words too long so I'll have to spend a little time editing today before I can print out the final diss--for good.
While I do have an itch to do some home shopping today, I'll probably stay in and get this final draft ready to go and enjoy another book or a movie. I also really need to finishing rereading Things Fall Apart. I don't remember when I read it the first time, but having taken a class on African women writers since, the images of women are so much more striking to me during this read-through. I think I must have read it for the first time during high school when I was really getting into Africana literature (on my own time of course--we didn't read any Black books in school). I was soaking up everything I could. I do remember feeling impressed by the emotional responses I had to the characters in this cultural context that I really knew nothing about--I wondered how a writer "did that." Now I still wonder the same things, but I try to pay more attention to the writing. I'm particularly cognizant of this now that I'm done with the diss and thinking about ways to revise it for publication. On the one hand, I want to put it in a box, mail it off, and not look at it for a while. On the other hand, I want to go back again and read it over and over again as a reader--to figure out where it really works and find the parts I really love--and then rewrite it as a writer--to strengthen my voice and ideas in the work and to continue to shape it into a compelling narrative for my audience(s).
And Moses Came Down From the Mountain
I love the coach. She always has great academic commandments. And just right in the nick of time. Today's commandment was especially needed--write regularly. It has been two weeks now since the defense--a month to the day since I printed off that defense copy and finished a crazy marathon of writing. That is one whole month that I've been on vacation--not writing regularly. Now I do feel that I have earned this break, and I don't feel guilty (not generally speaking) for not writing. However, I don't want this break to get out of control.
There was one thing the dissertation was able to get me to do that I hadn't done in four years of graduate school--write regularly. The dissertation process was definitely transformative; it changed me from someone who likes to write to someone who is (becoming) a writer. While I do need a break from that project, I don't need a break from the work of writing. I've seen myself grow so much as a writer since I started my MA in 2001. I feel more confident in my writing, more creative, and more willing to go through the trial and error of public writing. I would like to spend this summer continuing this transformation process into becoming a writer, but the only way that is going to happen is if I keep writing. Imagine that.
So starting tomorrow, it is back to the regular business of writing. Something. Regularly.
Starting tomorrow.
There was one thing the dissertation was able to get me to do that I hadn't done in four years of graduate school--write regularly. The dissertation process was definitely transformative; it changed me from someone who likes to write to someone who is (becoming) a writer. While I do need a break from that project, I don't need a break from the work of writing. I've seen myself grow so much as a writer since I started my MA in 2001. I feel more confident in my writing, more creative, and more willing to go through the trial and error of public writing. I would like to spend this summer continuing this transformation process into becoming a writer, but the only way that is going to happen is if I keep writing. Imagine that.
So starting tomorrow, it is back to the regular business of writing. Something. Regularly.
Starting tomorrow.
Monday Monday
My desire to write has not yet fully returned. Hence a list instead of a post.
Things I've Done So Far Today:
Things I've Done So Far Today:
- Went to work (late)
- Took my Grandma to the store
- Talked to Dr. J
- Finish my dissertation acknowledgements
- Write my dissertation abstract
- Write a meaningful blog post or two
- Clean around the house
- Contact my co-author about the book chapter we're working on
- Exercise
- Laundry
- Order my official transcripts for New Department
- Fill out surveys for the Graduate School
- Watch TV
- Eat
- Take a nap
- Read Patterson or Scottoline
Little Dissertation Matters
I woke up this morning feeling motivated to get back to work. I did read a few interesting books this weekend, but after so much eating and sleeping, I think my body was ready to burn off some calories this morning. Being at the library this morning went by quickly, so I headed back to my "old" spot in the coffeeshop after work to continue the final proof on the diss. I finished going through the hard copy with my pen and the markups from CoChair#1 and Major Field Expert. So starting tomorrow, I can enter those changes into the computer. (Knowing me, I'll probably start today). It looks pretty good. CoChair #1, Major Field Expert, and I, generally speaking, caught different errors, so I feel like the document will be pretty clean. But in the process of doing all that, I realized that I still need to finish writing my acknowledgements and my abstract. I drafted a page of acknowledgements one night when I was really struggling with the diss--it reads like I'm giving an acceptance speech at the Academy Awards, so I need to clean it up quite a bit. I don't have anything started on the abstract, and I REALLY hate writing abstracts. It is mostly because it is a writing exercise I don't feel comfortable doing--and I generally feel most comfortable when I'm writing. I guess I feel that as a member of the liberal arts side of my department, I didn't get as much experience in writing abstracts as my social scientific peers. Perhaps that is something I will incorporate more into my teaching--making sure my students get practice in creating abstracts for the research papers they submit. In any event, I'll get on that this week as well so I can just be done--really done--with the diss.
The Whirlwind
So of course, the past two days have been extremely busy. Long drive back to Southern State. Lots of phone calls and emails to let friends and family know that Mon's lifetime of being in school is finally over. But in all the business I have experienced the most amazing sense of peace, relief, and serenity. I am actually not a student anymore. Wow.
Since Friday, I've logged close to 1500 miles in an ugly box, hit two birds (literally), seen employees fight at a Famous Fast Food Chain, had some wonderful meals with Dr. J, read some wonderfully encouraging notes from new folks and old friends in my bloggy fam, seen MI3, and, oh yeah, become a PhD.
I am yet to give anyone the entire play-by-play of the weekend, and most particularly the defense, because I think I'm still trying to digest everything that happened. Before the defense, Monday morning, I was just ready to get it over with. I was praying and go over every possible problem area and question in my head. Dr. J and I putzed around the computer lab to kill time (little did I know he was being all sweet on my blog) and then I went upstairs to the defense. Alone. In my department, the defense is held in a tiny conference room--not conducive for an audience--and although the graduate school rules indicate defenses are open to the public--they are not really public events in my department. So it was just me and my four committee members (CoChair #1, CoChair #2, Major Field Expert, Outside Member). As soon as everyone was assembled, they kicked me out of the room so they could talk about me (and I assume to make sure they were all on the same page). So I waited around for about 5-10 minutes. Then I was invited back in and asked if I would like to begin with an opening statement. So I spent maybe 10 minutes going over the project: the motivations for writing on this subject, the connections that emerged, one area/issue that I wasn't completely satisfied with, and my plans for future publications out of this project. Then the questions began.
For whatever reason, everyone deferred to Major Field Expert, who went first and asked the most questions. I was concerned about how he would received the more innovative parts of the project. Overall, his questions indicated that he bought my argument that there is a tradition of Black women communicating in politics in a particular way, but he seemed most curious to know if there were vary degrees within this tradition and if there were consequences for those were too radical/controversial within this tradition. He (and everyone) indicated that there were some typos and formatting issues in the diss, but that overall it was pretty clean. Major Field Expert asked me a few specific questions about choices I made for subject selection in the text and urged me to be more explicit about those choices in future work. But in all honestly, Major Field Expert did most of the talking--he and the CoChairs went off on several tangents about the project and I just let them talk. At one point though, it was so bad that Outside Member jumped in to say "you know, I'd really like to hear what Mon has to add to this discussion." Too funny.
Outside Member, one of the sharpest scholars I've read in rhetorical studies, picked up the questioning once the Expert had run through his pages of notes. Outside Member was both critical and complimentary. She said that the work wasn't perfect--particularly in terms of method and analysis--but it was pretty darn close to perfect. She really like the illustrations I used in the work and as my focus was not on the visual, she encouraged me to consider an article publication just treating the visual images. Her questions were all geared towards things outside of the diss, such as my general thoughts on why Black women were outpacing Black men/White women in obtaining political offices and how I felt about taking a job in the South (a question similar to one nubian asked me a while back so I was glad that was still fresh on my mind).
Major Field Expert and Outside Member took up most of the questioning time with the CoChairs interjecting some thoughts/questions as they went along. CoChair #1 went next and raised three questions that had not been previously touched on--again pertaining to possible future subjects and the applicability of my "theory" to other politicians that are not Black women. That was an important issue that never really got addressed as some of the other members started jumping in and turned the question into a comment. I wasn't expected to answer the question so I didn't. And that was a great thing because I really disagree with the idea of turning what I'm talking about into some cookie cutter theory. Once CoChair #1 was done, CoChair #2 noted that I had met the challenge of her revision requests, noted that she really liked the preface, and she only asked one question! She was actually unusually quiet (my mother's "theory" is that she didn't even read the whole thing) during the whole matter, but I was glad that for whatever reason she decided not to push anymore. And after her one question, she asked me to leave the room.
As soon as I stepped outside, I called Dr. J; he came upstairs and waited with me. We hugged and he asked me how it went and we just waited. Then I heard CoChair #2 come out of the room. She walked up to me--took my hand--gave me a hug and said, "Congratulations Dr. Mon." I was just giddy. As she hugged me, she whispered in my ear that I had received the highest ratings!! She pulled me back in the room and shut the door (to Dr. J's dismay because he really wanted to take some pictures). Then everyone took turns saying congratulations and they all signed the needed forms for the graduate school. Major Field Expert reluctantly returned his copy of the diss to me so that I could note the places where he found typos--I had to swear to return a copy to him. He said his quick congrats and left. Outside Member and CoChair #1 had a sheet of notations typed of indicating some of the typos they found. Outside Member left next and said some really nice things to me on her way out. Then CoChair #1 and I hugged--she's been through both my MA/PhD journeys so we both had a sigh of relief. CoChair #2 tugged me along to handle some more paperwork issues (the secretary was a lil astonished when she saw my high marks--said she didn't see that very often), and she gave me the notes she took during the meeting (no typo/writing stuff though--further evidence for my mother's "theory"). As we were waiting on the department chair, CoChair #2 indicated that she wanted to nominate the diss for an award in one of our National Conferences before we hugged again and said our goodbyes.
In the meantime, Dr. J is waiting nearby trying to reach my mother who was NOT answering her phone. When I finally got through with the paperwork stuff, I just hugged him and we smiled and smiled and smiled like two clowns. I couldn't believe it was over--I mean really over. They asked that I just go through and clean up any typos/formatting stuff, but no major revision requests!!
By the time I got to CoChair #1's office, Dr. J got my mother on the phone and she screamed and shouted like she was doing the Holy Ghost dance. Her excitement really made me feel good and helped it all sink in. We had a great little conversation and then I put her on duty to call everyone we knew. (Mom did a great job with that). CoChair #1 took Dr. J and I out for a nice lunch at one of our favorite places--probably because it was the first place we went to when I moved to College Town. The whole time they were chattin up a storm while I was just floating--just happy to be done. After lunch, Dr. J and I went to see Mission Impossible III with a friend from Southern State who is in another department. It was great to just be out and to do "normal" things without thinking about the diss.
So since then, I've just been running around--trying to get back home without killing anymore birds on the road--and trying to make sure I've told everybody who needs to know. (Still have a few more emails to send out). My mother wanted to know every detail so we spent a lot of time talking last night and her one question she kept asking over and over again was:
Well, how does it feel? The answer is that it really doesn't feel like I'm a doctor. I didn't get all the warm and fuzzy feelings out of my defense that I had hoped for, but it was a good conversation and a much more positive experience than I could have imagined. But it feels GREAT to be done. For the first time since I was 3, I don't have to be a student anymore. Ever. And having a job for August is just the icing on the cake. I have just been so blessed and I am so thankful that this phase of my life has been completed.
I still have a lot more debriefing to do--about the defense--about the job--about the dissertation--about the future. But my head is still spinning a little. When both of my feet are on the ground, I'll get back to writing regularly and (more importantly) changing the look of the blog. For now, I'm off to make a quick trip to see my proud Granny!!
Since Friday, I've logged close to 1500 miles in an ugly box, hit two birds (literally), seen employees fight at a Famous Fast Food Chain, had some wonderful meals with Dr. J, read some wonderfully encouraging notes from new folks and old friends in my bloggy fam, seen MI3, and, oh yeah, become a PhD.
I am yet to give anyone the entire play-by-play of the weekend, and most particularly the defense, because I think I'm still trying to digest everything that happened. Before the defense, Monday morning, I was just ready to get it over with. I was praying and go over every possible problem area and question in my head. Dr. J and I putzed around the computer lab to kill time (little did I know he was being all sweet on my blog) and then I went upstairs to the defense. Alone. In my department, the defense is held in a tiny conference room--not conducive for an audience--and although the graduate school rules indicate defenses are open to the public--they are not really public events in my department. So it was just me and my four committee members (CoChair #1, CoChair #2, Major Field Expert, Outside Member). As soon as everyone was assembled, they kicked me out of the room so they could talk about me (and I assume to make sure they were all on the same page). So I waited around for about 5-10 minutes. Then I was invited back in and asked if I would like to begin with an opening statement. So I spent maybe 10 minutes going over the project: the motivations for writing on this subject, the connections that emerged, one area/issue that I wasn't completely satisfied with, and my plans for future publications out of this project. Then the questions began.
For whatever reason, everyone deferred to Major Field Expert, who went first and asked the most questions. I was concerned about how he would received the more innovative parts of the project. Overall, his questions indicated that he bought my argument that there is a tradition of Black women communicating in politics in a particular way, but he seemed most curious to know if there were vary degrees within this tradition and if there were consequences for those were too radical/controversial within this tradition. He (and everyone) indicated that there were some typos and formatting issues in the diss, but that overall it was pretty clean. Major Field Expert asked me a few specific questions about choices I made for subject selection in the text and urged me to be more explicit about those choices in future work. But in all honestly, Major Field Expert did most of the talking--he and the CoChairs went off on several tangents about the project and I just let them talk. At one point though, it was so bad that Outside Member jumped in to say "you know, I'd really like to hear what Mon has to add to this discussion." Too funny.
Outside Member, one of the sharpest scholars I've read in rhetorical studies, picked up the questioning once the Expert had run through his pages of notes. Outside Member was both critical and complimentary. She said that the work wasn't perfect--particularly in terms of method and analysis--but it was pretty darn close to perfect. She really like the illustrations I used in the work and as my focus was not on the visual, she encouraged me to consider an article publication just treating the visual images. Her questions were all geared towards things outside of the diss, such as my general thoughts on why Black women were outpacing Black men/White women in obtaining political offices and how I felt about taking a job in the South (a question similar to one nubian asked me a while back so I was glad that was still fresh on my mind).
Major Field Expert and Outside Member took up most of the questioning time with the CoChairs interjecting some thoughts/questions as they went along. CoChair #1 went next and raised three questions that had not been previously touched on--again pertaining to possible future subjects and the applicability of my "theory" to other politicians that are not Black women. That was an important issue that never really got addressed as some of the other members started jumping in and turned the question into a comment. I wasn't expected to answer the question so I didn't. And that was a great thing because I really disagree with the idea of turning what I'm talking about into some cookie cutter theory. Once CoChair #1 was done, CoChair #2 noted that I had met the challenge of her revision requests, noted that she really liked the preface, and she only asked one question! She was actually unusually quiet (my mother's "theory" is that she didn't even read the whole thing) during the whole matter, but I was glad that for whatever reason she decided not to push anymore. And after her one question, she asked me to leave the room.
As soon as I stepped outside, I called Dr. J; he came upstairs and waited with me. We hugged and he asked me how it went and we just waited. Then I heard CoChair #2 come out of the room. She walked up to me--took my hand--gave me a hug and said, "Congratulations Dr. Mon." I was just giddy. As she hugged me, she whispered in my ear that I had received the highest ratings!! She pulled me back in the room and shut the door (to Dr. J's dismay because he really wanted to take some pictures). Then everyone took turns saying congratulations and they all signed the needed forms for the graduate school. Major Field Expert reluctantly returned his copy of the diss to me so that I could note the places where he found typos--I had to swear to return a copy to him. He said his quick congrats and left. Outside Member and CoChair #1 had a sheet of notations typed of indicating some of the typos they found. Outside Member left next and said some really nice things to me on her way out. Then CoChair #1 and I hugged--she's been through both my MA/PhD journeys so we both had a sigh of relief. CoChair #2 tugged me along to handle some more paperwork issues (the secretary was a lil astonished when she saw my high marks--said she didn't see that very often), and she gave me the notes she took during the meeting (no typo/writing stuff though--further evidence for my mother's "theory"). As we were waiting on the department chair, CoChair #2 indicated that she wanted to nominate the diss for an award in one of our National Conferences before we hugged again and said our goodbyes.
In the meantime, Dr. J is waiting nearby trying to reach my mother who was NOT answering her phone. When I finally got through with the paperwork stuff, I just hugged him and we smiled and smiled and smiled like two clowns. I couldn't believe it was over--I mean really over. They asked that I just go through and clean up any typos/formatting stuff, but no major revision requests!!
By the time I got to CoChair #1's office, Dr. J got my mother on the phone and she screamed and shouted like she was doing the Holy Ghost dance. Her excitement really made me feel good and helped it all sink in. We had a great little conversation and then I put her on duty to call everyone we knew. (Mom did a great job with that). CoChair #1 took Dr. J and I out for a nice lunch at one of our favorite places--probably because it was the first place we went to when I moved to College Town. The whole time they were chattin up a storm while I was just floating--just happy to be done. After lunch, Dr. J and I went to see Mission Impossible III with a friend from Southern State who is in another department. It was great to just be out and to do "normal" things without thinking about the diss.
So since then, I've just been running around--trying to get back home without killing anymore birds on the road--and trying to make sure I've told everybody who needs to know. (Still have a few more emails to send out). My mother wanted to know every detail so we spent a lot of time talking last night and her one question she kept asking over and over again was:
Well, how does it feel? The answer is that it really doesn't feel like I'm a doctor. I didn't get all the warm and fuzzy feelings out of my defense that I had hoped for, but it was a good conversation and a much more positive experience than I could have imagined. But it feels GREAT to be done. For the first time since I was 3, I don't have to be a student anymore. Ever. And having a job for August is just the icing on the cake. I have just been so blessed and I am so thankful that this phase of my life has been completed.
I still have a lot more debriefing to do--about the defense--about the job--about the dissertation--about the future. But my head is still spinning a little. When both of my feet are on the ground, I'll get back to writing regularly and (more importantly) changing the look of the blog. For now, I'm off to make a quick trip to see my proud Granny!!
After
Can't believe its over but it is. Busy running around in a post defense glow. But I did it--I'm a doctor. More details and debriefing to come!
Before
Ugh. Waiting for this thing to start is horrible. Think if I go in early folks will mysteriously show up early? Of course, the last thing I want to do is wait in that room. All of our departmental rituals are held in the same room and it is really not conducive to being at all comfortable. The temperature is never right--the chairs always lean back a little too much. And for a short person like me, I never feel quite right at the table. So I'm in the computer lab with Dr. J trying to kill a little time. I'll go upstairs and check my mail and what not in a few minutes. I got a nice email from my undergrad mentor and I can't wait to call her when it is over.
Really I just can't wait for this to be over. Period.
Really I just can't wait for this to be over. Period.
D-Fence!
So I'm starting to really get psyched up for the defense. The big day is Monday--showdown is at high noon. And it is starting to feel like I'm getting ready for a sports event. When I was at work this morning, all kinds of arena songs were in my head: Are You Ready for This--We Will Rock You--Let's Get It Started. (If you really want to know how my brain sounded this morning, go here.) Somewhere in the back of my mind, a mad crowd of people were stomping and shouting "DE-FENSE" and waving illustrative signs. Kinda like this:
Annoying music and stomping in my head aside, I am feeling better about the defense. I have once again embraced my mantra about this process--"it is not about you"--and I've resigned myself to knowing that there may be some uncomfortable moments but they won't last long. My changing attitude is due in part to all the reassurance/positive reinforcement I got from Dr. J and his conference friends. Dr. J of course is just so wonderful and supportive, and I am truly blessed to have met him at such an important time in my life. It was also good to be around academics who weren't personally invested in my process in some way and who could just empathize. It also helps that one of my CoChairs emailed me today to say that she liked the new revisions. That was a good break in the increasing silence between me and the folks up North.
Before Monday, I just need to finish going through my draft. That's the main thing. I'm not really sure what else to do beyond that to prepare. Joan Bolker's advice on preparing for the defense: "The more you can demystify the process before you walk into your exam, the better off you'll be." I should have talked to some more people, attended a defense somewhere along the way, and (as Bolker suggests) come up with a hard list of questions the folks might ask me. But in the time I have left, there are still a few mentors at other institutions I can chat with who I'm sure will have some good advice. And I know I will talk through my project with Dr. J on the way up the road and get him to throw some tough questions at me. I am very much aware of the shortcomings of the project and the issues that are going to be raised with methodology. I'm just trying to think about ways to spin them in more positive ways. I also need to do a little work on future publication outlets before I leave town.
The best advice I think I've gotten so far, both from Joan Bolker and a good friend who teaches in Upstate New York, is that I need to go into the defense as a soon-to-be colleague moreso than a student. Along these lines, my friend warns, "The last thing they want in that space is to see someone sounding like a student still...tentative, unwilling to take stances, etc. One thing they'll also be looking at is how you respond to critique--whether you are collegial or not." Similarly, Bolker advises, "Remember that this is the last time you're likely to be a student, and that you're right at the edge of becoming a colleague; act like a professional and an expert in your field, as part of proving to your committee that you are ready to make the shift." I know I am ready to make this shift and if I can visual the professional aspects of this moment as the primary focus, I think I can handle it. The one last piece of getting ready for the defense that I'm going to have to work on is coming up with questions that I might have for the committee. I do want to make sure I get their "final thoughts"--not just the document but on my future contributions in this area of research--so I want to make sure I have a few questions for them as well to keep this as conversational as possible.
Final thoughts from Bolker:
Annoying music and stomping in my head aside, I am feeling better about the defense. I have once again embraced my mantra about this process--"it is not about you"--and I've resigned myself to knowing that there may be some uncomfortable moments but they won't last long. My changing attitude is due in part to all the reassurance/positive reinforcement I got from Dr. J and his conference friends. Dr. J of course is just so wonderful and supportive, and I am truly blessed to have met him at such an important time in my life. It was also good to be around academics who weren't personally invested in my process in some way and who could just empathize. It also helps that one of my CoChairs emailed me today to say that she liked the new revisions. That was a good break in the increasing silence between me and the folks up North.
Before Monday, I just need to finish going through my draft. That's the main thing. I'm not really sure what else to do beyond that to prepare. Joan Bolker's advice on preparing for the defense: "The more you can demystify the process before you walk into your exam, the better off you'll be." I should have talked to some more people, attended a defense somewhere along the way, and (as Bolker suggests) come up with a hard list of questions the folks might ask me. But in the time I have left, there are still a few mentors at other institutions I can chat with who I'm sure will have some good advice. And I know I will talk through my project with Dr. J on the way up the road and get him to throw some tough questions at me. I am very much aware of the shortcomings of the project and the issues that are going to be raised with methodology. I'm just trying to think about ways to spin them in more positive ways. I also need to do a little work on future publication outlets before I leave town.
The best advice I think I've gotten so far, both from Joan Bolker and a good friend who teaches in Upstate New York, is that I need to go into the defense as a soon-to-be colleague moreso than a student. Along these lines, my friend warns, "The last thing they want in that space is to see someone sounding like a student still...tentative, unwilling to take stances, etc. One thing they'll also be looking at is how you respond to critique--whether you are collegial or not." Similarly, Bolker advises, "Remember that this is the last time you're likely to be a student, and that you're right at the edge of becoming a colleague; act like a professional and an expert in your field, as part of proving to your committee that you are ready to make the shift." I know I am ready to make this shift and if I can visual the professional aspects of this moment as the primary focus, I think I can handle it. The one last piece of getting ready for the defense that I'm going to have to work on is coming up with questions that I might have for the committee. I do want to make sure I get their "final thoughts"--not just the document but on my future contributions in this area of research--so I want to make sure I have a few questions for them as well to keep this as conversational as possible.
Final thoughts from Bolker:
Remember the old joke about what one calls the person who graduates last in his medical school class: "doctor." The same holds true for those who just squeak by their thesis defenses. The best dissertation is an accepted dissertation. And no one will ever ask you about your performance at the event at which it was accepted.This is a little negative in my view but it's so true. At the end of the day on Monday, I just want to be done and it is not really going to matter what goes down in that room. In a more positive light, the defense should reveal how much I do know and that I am ready to take on this new position in the academy--and I hope I walk away with some positive internal feelings about my work. But as long as they call me doctor, I'll be good to go! I'm on blogging hiatus for the weekend. But I'll definitely have plenty to post on Monday.
More Defense Thoughts
This morning I learned that my other paper did get accepted into Major National Conference--cool. I also got to read the reviews of the paper that was rejected. Most of the reviews I agree with. I had attempted to slim down my first case study into a paper and I didn't do a great job. That chapter hadn't yet gone through revisions so it wasn't the most coherent paper in the world--it needed some reorganization and the reviewers indicated as much. Cool. Also, I'm creating in my dissertation an entire new way to look at Black women in my field--so at least one reviewer indicated they needed to hear more about my framework. Understandable. The first review was completely unproductive for me--it had no detailed comments--just one sentence that said "this paper would have been good if the author had used an accepted method." Very frustrating. I am so tired of arguing why the "accepted" methods in my field don't work because they do not take into account the realities of race AND gender. I know that I have to do this work, but it is a never ending uphill battle. My entire dissertation is based on an unconventional methodological perspective for my field and that just increases my anxiety going into the defense. This is one of the areas in which my feedback on the diss has been really vague and to further answer timna's question--this is yet another reason why my thoughts about the defense are not 100% positive.
Intimidating Myself
I've received two emails this week from a colleague in College Town--a PhD student in the cohort after mine. She's preparing for her comps and was hoping I'd be willing to share some insight on a question that I had to respond to (most people don't respond to this question because it was created by someone who isn't on many committees). Anyways, in the course of this correspondence, I learn several things:
1) There is "talk" of my defense all around the department. Ok--not a huge program, not surprising. But I was liking the idea of quietly slipping into College Town to have my defense and then coming back home. Apparently, that's not going to happen. Ugh. I can't even completely articulate how I feel about this. Ugh.
2) I am defending before quite a few ABD'rs in my area. This was news largely because the person who emailed me listed all the names of the ABD folks and I didn't really even recognize that THAT many people were dissertating in my area. I wish I had known--I could have started an online support group or something! There are basically two people in that group who I'm in semi-regular contact with and I thought one of them would be defending before me--she finished before I did--but her date was pushed back because of someone's schedule (ugh). So what is really sinking in is that I'm going first. When I defended my comps there were several us going at the same time--same thing with the dissertation proposal. But this time--it looks like I'm going first. The obvious advantage is that I won't be compared to anyone else (in the immediate sense) and I'm trying to just think of it in those terms. But it feel intimidating to not be able to ask anyone else--well how was it--what did they ask. I'm in the position of testing the waters for everybody else. Interesting.
3) My comps answers have a gained a reputation. That is the most intimidating news of all. I worked really hard preparing for comps, and I am glad that I was able to put together some good responses under those conditions (four hours in a little room with no notes for about a week--yuck). But it is so intimidating to learn that professors are telling other grad students to go look up my answers. That's the kind of thing I need to hear about after I graduate. Because right now, I don't know if my dissertation lives up to that level of work. I could say more but my head is still wrapping around this one. My gut feeling is that I need to step my game up for this dissertation defense because right now I am not at the level I was for comps. And suddenly I'm intimidated by little ol' me. Weird.
1) There is "talk" of my defense all around the department. Ok--not a huge program, not surprising. But I was liking the idea of quietly slipping into College Town to have my defense and then coming back home. Apparently, that's not going to happen. Ugh. I can't even completely articulate how I feel about this. Ugh.
2) I am defending before quite a few ABD'rs in my area. This was news largely because the person who emailed me listed all the names of the ABD folks and I didn't really even recognize that THAT many people were dissertating in my area. I wish I had known--I could have started an online support group or something! There are basically two people in that group who I'm in semi-regular contact with and I thought one of them would be defending before me--she finished before I did--but her date was pushed back because of someone's schedule (ugh). So what is really sinking in is that I'm going first. When I defended my comps there were several us going at the same time--same thing with the dissertation proposal. But this time--it looks like I'm going first. The obvious advantage is that I won't be compared to anyone else (in the immediate sense) and I'm trying to just think of it in those terms. But it feel intimidating to not be able to ask anyone else--well how was it--what did they ask. I'm in the position of testing the waters for everybody else. Interesting.
3) My comps answers have a gained a reputation. That is the most intimidating news of all. I worked really hard preparing for comps, and I am glad that I was able to put together some good responses under those conditions (four hours in a little room with no notes for about a week--yuck). But it is so intimidating to learn that professors are telling other grad students to go look up my answers. That's the kind of thing I need to hear about after I graduate. Because right now, I don't know if my dissertation lives up to that level of work. I could say more but my head is still wrapping around this one. My gut feeling is that I need to step my game up for this dissertation defense because right now I am not at the level I was for comps. And suddenly I'm intimidated by little ol' me. Weird.
Recovery, Normalcy, & Anticipation
Recovery: My mind, body, and spirit are going to be in a state of recovery all week--at least. I think I put in something like 80 hours on the diss since I got the new on Tuesday. What I didn't realize until yesterday was that I was operating on autopilot. Yesterday, when I took that shower it felt like the first shower I'd taken ever--for the first time I could actually feel warmth--I could feel relaxed. Being in a state of concentrated energy all week was not fun. I couldn't enjoy Dr. J, I couldn't enjoy the frilly coffee drinks I kept buying one after the other, I couldn't even enjoy the fact that my mother was being helpful. And I definitely didn't enjoy writing. Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday were the worst days of "hell week"--seriously. It was so bad that I don't want to revisit them because it was like I was not myself at ALL. It was largely because there were these pieces--the introduction, the new preface, and the conclusion that remained in a perpetual state of "undoneness." But once I finished the introduction Thursday night and read through it Friday morning and saw that it was actually better--the tide changed. Thursday night I had decided that I would just cut the new preface because it was getting nowhere faster and faster and faster. I threw a Hail Mary email pass to my undergraduate mentor asking her to look at the preface before I chucked it. She sent me a great response Friday and I decided to keep the preface.
Friday--into much of Saturday morning--was a day of acceptance, prayer, and letting go. I woke up with a good spirit and by the time I put in the first 12 hours of my working day on Friday, I felt like I could see things coming together. I worked up a new preface Friday night which my mom and Dr. J both love. It is currently the only piece of my project that sounds like me and I wish I could post it for my blog-fam because I think even you would say--yeah that's Mon. I worked all the way up until 11AM Saturday morning mostly because my footnotes started acting up and I wanted to feel like I had looked over the entire project at least once before I sent it off. Unfortunately, the conclusion got the short end of the stick on my long workday, but I am hoping that since the document is so long they won't really read the conclusion anyway.
So now that is over, I am re-experiencing the world around me. I look forward to seeing my family for dinner today--it'll be the first Sunday in two weeks that I'll be able to enjoy their presence and enjoy some good food without being sick or without having the dissertation on my mind.
Normalcy: And now that the diss is in the mail I get to experience doing normal things again. I'm going to get some new contacts tomorrow. I am going to finally get my oil changed on my car. I am going to get my hair cut. I am going to listen to my voicemail and actually call people back. I am going to see my best friend. I am going to clean up this house. I am going to go SHOPPING. And I am going to read for pleasure (Dr. J says that shouldn't be on the list). I've already started James Patterson--Mary, Mary. I've never read Patterson before but the books are always checked out at the library so I thought I'd give it a shot--so far it is just what I need right now--a good quick "whodunit." It is so nice to feel like I'm going to just have a normal week. Next week Dr. J and I are going on vacation (well he's going to a conference, I'm just tagging along to lounge around the beach). And I look forward to prepare for my defense with some good "boat drinks."
Anticipation: For better or worse though, the anticipation for the defense is already starting to build. I am not looking forward to reading this draft again, but I have to see it as my readers will see it. I fear all the mistakes I will find. I don't want to be reminded of the weaknesses of this process and I definitely don't want to read the Lifetime Movie Ending Conclusion I submitted. (If you've never watched a Lifetime Movie--and trust me I've seen enough to say this as fact--the endings are always hasty and unsatisfactory.) I've gotten no feedback from the CoChairs on the nature of the defense--what I'm supposed to do/not do--so I'm anticipating that whole experience with an anxiety I've never had for any other committee meeting. But Jude is right--I do know this stuff and significant portions of it I feel proud of (other than of course the conclusion). So more than anything else, I'm trying to anticipate the positive outcome of all of this. Finally, Being, Dr. Mon.
Friday--into much of Saturday morning--was a day of acceptance, prayer, and letting go. I woke up with a good spirit and by the time I put in the first 12 hours of my working day on Friday, I felt like I could see things coming together. I worked up a new preface Friday night which my mom and Dr. J both love. It is currently the only piece of my project that sounds like me and I wish I could post it for my blog-fam because I think even you would say--yeah that's Mon. I worked all the way up until 11AM Saturday morning mostly because my footnotes started acting up and I wanted to feel like I had looked over the entire project at least once before I sent it off. Unfortunately, the conclusion got the short end of the stick on my long workday, but I am hoping that since the document is so long they won't really read the conclusion anyway.
So now that is over, I am re-experiencing the world around me. I look forward to seeing my family for dinner today--it'll be the first Sunday in two weeks that I'll be able to enjoy their presence and enjoy some good food without being sick or without having the dissertation on my mind.
Normalcy: And now that the diss is in the mail I get to experience doing normal things again. I'm going to get some new contacts tomorrow. I am going to finally get my oil changed on my car. I am going to get my hair cut. I am going to listen to my voicemail and actually call people back. I am going to see my best friend. I am going to clean up this house. I am going to go SHOPPING. And I am going to read for pleasure (Dr. J says that shouldn't be on the list). I've already started James Patterson--Mary, Mary. I've never read Patterson before but the books are always checked out at the library so I thought I'd give it a shot--so far it is just what I need right now--a good quick "whodunit." It is so nice to feel like I'm going to just have a normal week. Next week Dr. J and I are going on vacation (well he's going to a conference, I'm just tagging along to lounge around the beach). And I look forward to prepare for my defense with some good "boat drinks."
Anticipation: For better or worse though, the anticipation for the defense is already starting to build. I am not looking forward to reading this draft again, but I have to see it as my readers will see it. I fear all the mistakes I will find. I don't want to be reminded of the weaknesses of this process and I definitely don't want to read the Lifetime Movie Ending Conclusion I submitted. (If you've never watched a Lifetime Movie--and trust me I've seen enough to say this as fact--the endings are always hasty and unsatisfactory.) I've gotten no feedback from the CoChairs on the nature of the defense--what I'm supposed to do/not do--so I'm anticipating that whole experience with an anxiety I've never had for any other committee meeting. But Jude is right--I do know this stuff and significant portions of it I feel proud of (other than of course the conclusion). So more than anything else, I'm trying to anticipate the positive outcome of all of this. Finally, Being, Dr. Mon.
Whew!
I've done some ridiculous things in my day, but this week is going to rank in the top five list of the craziest things I've ever done. I'll share the play by play later.
At this moment, the last pages of the defense copy of my dissertation are printing!! (Down to a meager 350 pgs ProfMe--including notes). I have been in front of this computer since I left work yesterday (12:30PM) so I am approaching the 24-hour mark. I've stayed up all night to work before but I don't think I've ever gone at it a whole day--this is some kind of a sadistic personal record. Let's not break this one. But it is also some kind of a miracle and I thank the LORD for the amazing way the scariest parts of this process came together.
I just took the world's most wonderful shower--put on fresh clothes that my loving Dr. J gave me for Christmas and as soon as this bad boy finishing printing--I am off to the copy/mail center. Hopefully I can stay awake and coherent for a few more hours.
But the good news is fam, it is finished. Amen!!
At this moment, the last pages of the defense copy of my dissertation are printing!! (Down to a meager 350 pgs ProfMe--including notes). I have been in front of this computer since I left work yesterday (12:30PM) so I am approaching the 24-hour mark. I've stayed up all night to work before but I don't think I've ever gone at it a whole day--this is some kind of a sadistic personal record. Let's not break this one. But it is also some kind of a miracle and I thank the LORD for the amazing way the scariest parts of this process came together.
I just took the world's most wonderful shower--put on fresh clothes that my loving Dr. J gave me for Christmas and as soon as this bad boy finishing printing--I am off to the copy/mail center. Hopefully I can stay awake and coherent for a few more hours.
But the good news is fam, it is finished. Amen!!
The End Is the Beginning (Is the End)
Whatever happened to the Smashing Pumpkins?
So I've come to a realization. The end of my revisions are the beginning of my project which I fear is going to be the end of me. Rewriting how the diss fits into this other subfield should be simple. Key words--should be. Sigh. I'm pretty annoyed with this intro as a whole. The first ten pages I like--and the last six pages are straight. Everything in the middle is just raggedy. And don't even get me started on this new preface! I know what is really annoying me is knowing that there is still a good chance that CoChair #2 is going to kick this back to me again--which is basically why she wanted this last Monday--so I could do another round of revisions before the 22nd defense. I'm trying to just write through this new beginning and ignore that drama but I keep writing myself into arguments that I know she won't buy. I'm realizing that since I wrote so much of this draft alone--having to switch now to writing for someone is a huge burden that slows me down.
So I've come to a realization. The end of my revisions are the beginning of my project which I fear is going to be the end of me. Rewriting how the diss fits into this other subfield should be simple. Key words--should be. Sigh. I'm pretty annoyed with this intro as a whole. The first ten pages I like--and the last six pages are straight. Everything in the middle is just raggedy. And don't even get me started on this new preface! I know what is really annoying me is knowing that there is still a good chance that CoChair #2 is going to kick this back to me again--which is basically why she wanted this last Monday--so I could do another round of revisions before the 22nd defense. I'm trying to just write through this new beginning and ignore that drama but I keep writing myself into arguments that I know she won't buy. I'm realizing that since I wrote so much of this draft alone--having to switch now to writing for someone is a huge burden that slows me down.
I Mean Really Hurts
I took a dinner/TV/Dr. J break after getting in from the library and then got back to cleaning up the work I did at the library. I completely underestimated how many sources I gather today--it's somewhere in the neighborhood of 200. So I had to get all of those into Endnote properly and then update the ernomous bibliography. I think all the source work is complete now for you know who, and I swear if anybody asks me for more "cites," they may catch an elbow. I thought the first bibliography I submitted was solid--40+ pages of sources that I really worked hard to get. But somebody didn't agree--or at least thought it would be "great to see more." Now that the bibliography is over 60 pages--that should be enough right? Geez. I mean am I really supposed to reference every work known to woman on every topic that is semi-connected to my diss?! That's what I feel like I'm being asked--sorry, recommended--to do and it is so annoying. But whatever, I'll just cut out a bunch of footnotes come publication time. For now it is just about appeasing the powers that be.
I spent so much time on the durn sources today that I didn't get to finish the introduction. Tomorrow--intro and conclusion get what is hopefully the final clean-up before the defense. Boy does my brain hurt.
I spent so much time on the durn sources today that I didn't get to finish the introduction. Tomorrow--intro and conclusion get what is hopefully the final clean-up before the defense. Boy does my brain hurt.
My Brain Hurts
It's the end of a long day at HBU library. I immersed myself in one of the subfields my dissertation covers and about 50 books later--my eyes and my brain hurts. I didn't know I was still capable of digesting so much information at once and I do feel a little smarter. It put me back into grad school mode for a bit and that was sadistically fun. But really I feel just tired. I need to eat and sleep before I can get back to work. I should be able to finish my introduction tonight with all this information. We'll see. So far, long day--good day.
De-Lurkin
I think I've been lurking on my own blog--if that's possible. I've been reading the usual folks while feeling quite uninspired to write anything of my own. I guess I just don't want to talk about the dissertation right now. I'm sick of this process. Revisions are still going forward--it was definitely a six-week plus job that I crazily tried to pack into three. Slowly but surely I'll be done and we'll all find out when the new defense date will be. (CoChair #2 by the way is once again gone incognito on me so who knows). But bottom line is probably that I'm just plain sick of it. Revisions have sucked the joy out of the project for the time being because now I'm just doing things to please other people that in a number of ways take away from the original spirit of the process. I am not looking forward to even reading through this before I send it off again. Oh well, what can you do? It's not like I didn't know this might happen, but of course I hoped it wouldn't. Ugh, I shouldn't write about this--major mood killer.
Moving along from a happier place. It was finally a beautiful day here--spent some time with my Grandma. Dr. J is traveling to his sister's who just bought a beautiful new home. She lives in an Artsy Southern City that I've never visisted. If I had finished revisions when I was supposed to, I was going to go with him to help her move. Kinda sad about that but of course he assures me we'll have plenty of trips there in the future. So tonight I'm home working on getting the preface and intro in shape. There are some things I definitely can't do without another trip to the library--I have to completely redo a section in the intro--it needs entirely new literature. My plan is to do a lot of footnoting because at this point I am not interested in writing my dissertation into a whole new subfield. So tomorrow will be a library day. It's the end of the semester so a lot of the books I need are checked out but hopefully I can round up enough sources to sound credible. Back to work.
Moving along from a happier place. It was finally a beautiful day here--spent some time with my Grandma. Dr. J is traveling to his sister's who just bought a beautiful new home. She lives in an Artsy Southern City that I've never visisted. If I had finished revisions when I was supposed to, I was going to go with him to help her move. Kinda sad about that but of course he assures me we'll have plenty of trips there in the future. So tonight I'm home working on getting the preface and intro in shape. There are some things I definitely can't do without another trip to the library--I have to completely redo a section in the intro--it needs entirely new literature. My plan is to do a lot of footnoting because at this point I am not interested in writing my dissertation into a whole new subfield. So tomorrow will be a library day. It's the end of the semester so a lot of the books I need are checked out but hopefully I can round up enough sources to sound credible. Back to work.
Puzzled
Today was slow and stormy--terrible conditions for being on the road so I headed home to work. Added a new page to the new preface that I'm very happy about--took a paragraph or so out that I'd written before. Went through the conclusion for the first time since The Meeting. It's not as bad as I thought and I made some good changes tonight. But I'm really puzzled about to do next. Both of the CoChairs want me to take stuff out--either completely or for the into--leaving me with about half a conclusion. If I don't add anything else, it looks like a really cursory close to this big project. I'm puzzled as to what to do, but at the same time I don't care that much since I'm jus followin orders. Hopefully when I finally get to the defense the rest of the committee will have some good input on strengthening the ending. Spent more time thinkin about the diss today than writing which is weird for me. Tomorrow will hopefully be back to normal on the writing end. I'll definitely get out and write if its nicer outside.
Nursin
I'm still nursin my tummy quite a bit--I got a lil too ambitous with dinner and paid for it, but I'm feelin okay. Good enough to do some work. Only allowed myself three hours to work tonight and that was plenty to finish Chapter Three and start butcherin Chapter Five. I'm not happy about Five at all--I orginially wrote it as a seminar paper for CoChair #2 and never got any feedback on it. The longer it sits with me, the less I like it--it's my least favorite chapter in the piece. I had hoped to get some more direction on how to make it better but well--you know the story. Now I feel like I'm startin from scratch which is why I left this as the last content chapter to revise. I realized tonight what I really need to do to fix it and it sucks--I need to rewrite some significant portions of the analysis. I'm gonna try to cut and paste as much as I can tomorrow. Slowly I'm nursin myself and this dissertation back to health.
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