New Kid on the Block

I'm enjoying this time getting adjusted to my commute and to life on my new campus. It is truly a charming place that reflects all the history and character of the city. Even though it is incredibly hot outside, the thick trees and shaded balconies make the area feel quite pleasant. I think I'm going to like it here. I spent the day working on my classes and just wandering around the library (beautiful new building but I miss all the R1 books--I mean just three floors??) In any event, the transition continues to go quite smoothly.

But as I walked around and got to work today, I was reminded repeatedly that I don't look like a professor. Kids going through orientation were checking me out as I walked by. I stopped by the learning center to see my department's support office and I had to tell the staff three times I was new faculty before she "got it." I ran into a friend of my mom's who works on campus and she couldn't stop reminding how young and little I am.

Maybe it is time I abandoned my fashion sense and donned some frumpy frocks and an ol' fashioned hair cut.

Nah.

Lovely Day

A day with a 109 degree heat index would not normally qualify itself as a lovely day in my book. But despite the dense heat and humidity that fogged my sunglasses everytime I stepped out the door, I had a quite lovely day. I woke up this morning and made myself a delicious strawberry-blackberry smoothie for breakfast and headed down to campus. I was a little late for my meeting because I couldn't find a parking space (I can't wait to get my permit) but I called ahead and my appointment helped me find a place to park. Today was office set-up day. I rearranged the furniture and my new computer (with a beautiful widescreen monitor) was set up. Then I just sat in my office. In my office. I remembered that I needed to go by the departmental office to pick up some office supplies and there was a pleasant surprise in my box--a nameplate for my door that says Dr. Mon. Dr. Mon is officially at work. I'm home on my new work laptop--blogging wirelessly for the first time in New School City. It's a Friday and I should do nothing, but I feel like working on my classes and backing up my home computer.

The bad news of the day is that my home computer fried all my USB devices so unless I want to pay for data recovery (upwards of a $1000 is the estimate I got today), I have lost my daily dissertation drafts. I have copies of the submitted drafts I turned in on my university server, but the little changes I made on a day to day basis were only on those two external drives. That sucks. I should have burned everything on a couple CDs like I planned to before I moved, but moving got in the way. I don't really need those drafts, but it sure would be nice to have them back. So in the words of Ragey--back up, back up, and back up again!! I'm going to see about backing up my home computer to this new laptop and then backing them up again on this university server. That'll be enough to keep me busy tonight. And even with the work I'm giving myself, it is still quite a lovely day.

Getting Settled

With the exception of my downstairs phone jacks, my place is finally in fully working order. I still need to finish unpacking my clothes and my books--maybe today, maybe not. It feels good to finally be settled in. I wish Dr. J didn't have to return to University Town yesterday, but he has to get back to the business of dissertating. We had a nice time together--excluding the time we wasted seeing Pirates 2--the worse sequel I've seen in quite some time. I should have let him help me unpack some more but I didn't want to spend our little bit of time together doing that. We did take a very nice trip down to campus to see my office and I really like my space. I'm sharing with another junior faculty who teaches most of her classes at our branch campus, but the space is really huge. The walls are a nice bright color, we have huge windows, and there is a door adjacent to our office that leads to a big balcony--I foresee working outside when the weather is not quite so steamy. My computer equipment is in--tomorrow I'll go back to get all of that stuff set up and squared away. I did learn that both my classes are full but they are even smaller than I was expecting--so I'll need to make a few more adjustments to my syllabi.

My pre-work anxiety has faded and I'm back to feeling ready to get to it. I just need to actually get ready!

Home Sweet Home

The dust has finally settled. I'm in my new place--by myself. I love my family and appreciate their help, but it is so good to now be able to get things organized the way I want them in peace. The place is really nice--it has a few new construction kinks, but hopefully we can get those solved soon. I have a lot of decorating and unpacking left to do and I can't decide what to tackle first. I have a sneaking suspicion that I am not going to touch a thing today. Instead, I think I'm just going to drive around New School City and go down to campus to scope out my new (albeit temporary) office space. I also need to figure out where my credit union branch is here because I am all tapped out of money in my College Town account. It will hopefully be a good day of exploring--but regardless--it is just good to be home.

On the Move

After several sleepless nights, not enough coffee, and just enough boxes, the packing is finished. Now if the muscle to move it would just show up, I'll be good to go. I'm completely exhausted and anxious--I've been in a terrible mood all week (hence the lack of writing). My mind is going ten million miles per second--not just about the move but mostly about this new position I'm walking into. At times, I think I'm crazy for thinking I'm anywhere near ready for this. I didn't have too many anxiety/imposter-syndrome dreams in grad school, but goodness I am having them now. And of course, now that my graduation invites are printed (just got them today and they are sooo cute), I'm thinking about that other thing again.

But first things first, I gotta get outta here and down to New School City!

Must. Pack. Now.

I don't know why I can't get this packing together! I'm dragging big time over here. That has got to change.

ASAP.

A Balanced Wanderer

You Are 24% Control Freak

You have achieved the perfect balance of control and letting go. You tend to roll with whatever life brings, but you never get complacent.

Are You A Control Freak?

via timna

What Your Soul Really Looks Like

You are a wanderer. You constantly long for a new adventure, challenge, or eve a completely different life. You are a very grounded, responsible, and realistic person. People may not want to hear the truth from you, but they're going to get it. You see yourself with pretty objective eyes. How you view yourself is almost exactly how other people view you. Your near future is calm, relaxing, and pretty much what you want. And it's something you've been anticipating for a while now. For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust.

Inside the Room of Your Soul

Still Standing *Barely*

No, it is not the ongoing drama of family secrets weighing me down--it is packing. It is moving time. Time for me to get to New School City. The reality of what I need to accomplish this week really set in tonight as I begin pulling my old apartment boxes out of the places they have been tucked away for the past year. The attic, under beds, in the backs of closets, outside in storage--I didn't realize I had so much stuff already tucked away. But truly, I'm really barely standing after the 10 hour shopping bonanza I had with my mother yesterday. 10 full hours in 90+ degree weather and scattered thunderstorms to get the bulk of the furniture and accessories I still needed for my new place. I never knew my mother could outshopped me but she definitely took me to school yesterday. We went all across and around Southern City--I've lived here all my life and there were sides of town I had never seen until yesterday. The damage at the end of the day:

• Loveseat and Chair Sectional
• Coffee Table
• 5 Lamps
• Bathroom Rugs and Decorative Towel Set
• Bathroom Accessories Set
• A snazzy new Blender
• Black 5 drawer Chest
• New pillows
  

We went to about three times as many stores as the list suggests. But the time with my mom was good, and we got everything I really needed to have right now except for a good desk for my home office. I saw one I kind of liked, and I just found it online at another store for less, so I will probably go ahead and get that one tomorrow. And as far as spending money goes--that will be that (I think my mother rather enjoyed spending my money for a change yesterday!)

So the major project for the rest of this week will be packing up clothes and books. Unfortunately, I have quite a bit of both of those so it is going to be a long week.

Forward Momentum

My avoidance of "it" has caused me to avoid my blog--I probably shouldn't have written this here because it has definitely fueled my desire to do anything but write. Actually, I haven't done much of anything at all the past few days--much to the dismay of my mother who is an organization freak and can't believe I don't have the moving stuff worked out yet. Given all the stuff I should be doing right now, this just was not a good time to think about these types of family issues. I should feel angry and upset and frustrated, but I think melyssa got right to the meat of the situation--whatever I am feeling, I don't feel comfortable. And I'm not going to do anything that is going to make me feel even more uncomfortable. As Prof Mama picked up on in my post, I don't have any reason to believe my biological father wants any involvement in my life. This is all my Grandma's doing--perhaps with some help from his girlfriend who attends Grandma's church. Regardless of her intentions, right now is not the time for me to be dealing with this--sorry Grandma. I know that at some point in the near future, I would like to get a straight answer about what happened in the past because I've gotten way too old to pretend like all this secrecy is normal. Ragey put it best--All in all, it sounds like the air needs to be cleared. I hope that the air will get cleared before I find myself in a situation like Stewgad. With marriage actually in the picture for the first time in my life, I've been thinking about things like guest lists and I'm already well aware that someone (probably my Grandma) is going to ask this question again. I would like things on the table so that the question either doesn't even get asked or that I have a response that I'm comfortable with.

Dr. J and I talked about my family issues shortly after we met last fall. I was considering making contact with my father because I had learned that I had had a half-brother who had passed away. My whole life had passed without my even knowing that I had a sibling--an older brother at that which I always wanted. He was a musician living one state away from where I went to graduate school. The whole time I was in graduate school, I was just hours away from him and I never knew him--never knew about him. It crushed me when I found out he had died. There's no guarantee that he would have wanted to know me or even meet me, but the fact that I was never given the opportunity to make an attempt really hurt. So for the first time in my life I actually had questions for my father. I had always pretty passively accepted the fact that he didn't want to have anything to do with me, but that whole situation made me realize that there were still important pieces of my family I knew nothing about. The weird thing is that I've always known my other uncles and aunts and cousins from his side of the family, but I just haven't known his branch on the family tree. I was content not knowing because I thought it was just him--but the realization that I could have other siblings kindled a new desire to find out more. The problem has been timing. During the dissertation (when all of this came to light) was not a good time. Now I'm moving and celebrating graduation--not a good time. I know that there is not going to be a "good" time but I hope I can come up with a better time soon. (I greatly appreciate my bloggyfam for helpin me write through this!)

So at some point last night, I was able to do something other than sit around and watch TV and nap. I put in about four hours on that research project, and it felt GREAT to work. I must be evolving because work was never been much of a mood-booster, but it really did the trick last night. Today I woke up with some new energy, went to work, and came home to accomplish quite a bit of relocation stuff that I've been procrastinating on. All my utilities are in order now, I have new numbers, I have my moving truck stuff set up, and in a few minutes I am going to start tackling the bulk of my packing--the home office. Moving forward is a good thing.

How Would You Feel?

Let's just put it out there--I don't like talking about my feelings. It is a frustrating process. It is uncomfortable because I have no practice in it. Growing up, I was "the listener." Everyone always told me about their issues--and I listened. I was kept abreast of the changing social lives, self-esteem issues, and growing pains of all my high school classmates and most of the girls on my hall freshman year. After that first year of college, I realized I had had enough. It was too much. My open door policy ended and my circle of friends got smaller and smaller. But in reality, I guess it was always small--there were never more than one or two people in my life who I actually felt comfortable sharing my life stories with. And even still, I didn't then, nor do I now, like to talk about my feelings. The crazy thing is that I feel everything--intensely. I'm probably one of the most sensitive people I know. Not sensitive as in every little thing makes me emotional, but when I do feel something, I feel it DEEPLY. But trying to explain/describe/relate/review/reveal those feelings to some one else is just plain frustrating and often feels impossible.

I've been frustrated for the past three days about a simple question my grandmother asked me: How would you feel about sending your "daddy" an invitation to your graduation celebration? I should have seen it coming from a mile away--this same issue came up when I graduated from high school and from college. But I was completely confused when she told me she wanted to ask me something but wasn't sure how to ask me/didn't want to upset me. My immediate fumbled response was that I didn't even have any invitations together but that if I did make some, I'd give her one to give him--or something like that. She let me know that some of my cousins were asking about it--how I would feel about that--and said she thought it was time for folks (meaning my parents) to put aside the past. That I oughtta know him--because after all he is my "daddy." She tried to explain that she was just caught in the middle of "it" and that "it" wasn't my fault. Now that I was grown I could make my own decisions about "it." So she thought it would be a real good thing for me to send him an invitation and to get to know him as it is something that she and "Linda" (the girlfriend?) have wanted for a long time. Ok Grandma. I nodded--I smiled--I left.

I knew I didn't answer her question because I don't know how to even try to express those feelings and that frustrates me to no end. The biggest problem is that I've been living with this unknown "it" all my life--the thing that caused my parents to separate shortly after my birth. I'm twenty-some-odd-years-old, and I still don't know why I've know my biological father--wouldn't even recognize him on the street--because "it" is a secret. "It" happened--and the mystery surrounding "it" makes it hard not to feel like the "it" was me. The hushed tones, the coded language, the lack of responses to my questions--over two decades of living with "it" has left me feeling rather numb. I can't even bring myself to be sad any more. I leave the feelings of anger and confusion to my friends who love me and who wonder how I could not know a man that lives a few miles away from me--a man whose mother I used to stay with every summer and still go see just about every week. I leave the feelings of hurt and resentment to my mother who is suspicious of every man I date because of "it." And I'm left with feeling nothing (or an unidentifiable something)--and feeling it deeply.

I know the fact that the question is staying with me means something. I haven't even talked to Dr. J about it yet--partly because I know he'll put on his therapist hat (one of his many professional skills) and ask me how I feel. I am lucky to have a compassionate man in my life who cares about my feelings. But I guess in this whole situation, I wish someone would just tell me--how should I feel?

Friday Poetry

Magnificent Tomorrows

By Haki R. Madhubuti [from Groundwork (1997), Third World Press]

(For Queen Mother Moore, Karima White, Sonia Sanchez, Mari Evans, Ruby Dee, Assata Shakur, Julia Fields and Janet Sankey)

1.


flames from sun
fire in during rainbow nights.

the women are colors of earth and ocean---
earth as life,
the beginning waters,
magnificent energy.

as the women go, so go the people,
determining mission,
determining possibilities.

stopping the women stops the future.
to understand slavery, feel the eyes of mothers.
there lies hope even in destruction, lies unspeakable horror or
fruitful destiny.

we
are now in the europe of our song,
non-melody with little beat or hope.
current dreams are visionless,
producing behavior absent of greatness.

2.

without great teachings,
without important thoughts,
without significant deeds,
the ordinary emerges as accepted example
gluing the women
to kitchens,
afternoon soaps
and the limiting imagination of sightless men.
producing
a people that move with the
quickness of decapitated bodies
while
calling such movement
divine.

possibilities: listen to the wind of women, the voices of big
mama, zora neale, sister rosa, fanny lou, pretty renee, gwen
brooks, queen nzinga and warrior mothers. all birth and
prophecy, black and heart warm, bare and precise. the
women detailing the coming collapse or rise. the best and
bent of youth emerging. telling triumphantly. if we listen, if we
feel & prepare.

3.

if black women do not love,
there is no love.
if black women do not love,
harmony and sustaining humanity cease.
if black women do not love,
strength disconnects.
families sicken. growth is questionable &
there are few reasons to conquer ideas or foe.

as black women love,
europe gives way to southern meals.
as black women mature,
so come flames from sun,
rainbows at dusk.
sculpture of elizabeth catlett and
music of nina simone.
as womenblack connect,
the earth expands, minds open and books reveal the possible
if we study
if we feel the flow & secrets of our women,
if we listen,
if we concentrate,
if we carefully care,
if we simply do.

Oh Yeah, I'm Movin Too

I should have put up a moving counter--perhaps that would have reminded me that I need to make arrangements to get my stuff from point A to point B. I know my family wants to help, but since I do have a moving budget--I wonder if it is too late to hire some folks?? I don't feel like dealing with this move at all. I wish I could just nod my head and my stuff would reappear in New School City. Fat chance.

I received a mountain of paperwork that I need to complete for New School--an additional reminder that I need to get my stuff in order. I don't know why my usual on-the-ball nature has disappeared all of a sudden. Could it be because I REALLY hate moving?!

Are You Serious?

Nubian posted this and I'm trying to bring down my blood pressure about it. I believe I will join her in writing a letter.

Holiday

Dr. J and I have taken a lot of trips in the short time we've known each other, but we realized that this was really the first time we've gotten away for just us. No conferences, no family obligations, no dissertation stuff involved--just a little touristy holiday for the two of us. Destination: Hotlanta. The trip was full of highlights--I've been wanting to blog about it all day. But of course now that I have the time, I don't have the energy. We checked out the massive new aquarium and watched the Braves beat the Cardinals.



There was also some good shoppingand good times with friends. Dr. J pampered me all weekend--I had to be careful about what I said I liked, because moments later there he was gift in hand (one of my favorite being a little stuffed animal--a baby beluga from the aquarium. I couldn't believe they actually had whales in the aquarium--that was definitely impressive to see).


But the two best highlights of the trip were definitely sleeping and shopping. Sleeping on a Heavenly Bed was truly an experience. I've never slept so well at a hotel. Even Dr. J was knocked out, and he has a tendency to toss and turn in foreign places. We didn't make it to the pool--that was the one big thing on our list (other than chicken and waffles) that we didn't get to do--and it was largely because we slept in every day. But I truly thought I was in heaven when Dr. J took me ring shopping. We talked about rings before--we talk about weddings and marriage a LOT--but this was our first time in a few stores together. I knew that there were certain things I didn't like--I don't like yellow gold or solitaires or rings that are too high or wide because my fingers are so small. But I learned that my eye is drawn to more vintage looking rings and we saw some really nice ones. I found my dream ring--a $14,000 antique style ring with an asscher cut diamond--but goodness knows I had no idea the ring cost that much when I tried it on!! After I got my head out of the clouds, I had a great time with Dr. J just dreaming of the things that are to come for us in the near future. I miss him terribly already but it was so good to have this little getaway before the business of school starts up.