Forward Momentum

My avoidance of "it" has caused me to avoid my blog--I probably shouldn't have written this here because it has definitely fueled my desire to do anything but write. Actually, I haven't done much of anything at all the past few days--much to the dismay of my mother who is an organization freak and can't believe I don't have the moving stuff worked out yet. Given all the stuff I should be doing right now, this just was not a good time to think about these types of family issues. I should feel angry and upset and frustrated, but I think melyssa got right to the meat of the situation--whatever I am feeling, I don't feel comfortable. And I'm not going to do anything that is going to make me feel even more uncomfortable. As Prof Mama picked up on in my post, I don't have any reason to believe my biological father wants any involvement in my life. This is all my Grandma's doing--perhaps with some help from his girlfriend who attends Grandma's church. Regardless of her intentions, right now is not the time for me to be dealing with this--sorry Grandma. I know that at some point in the near future, I would like to get a straight answer about what happened in the past because I've gotten way too old to pretend like all this secrecy is normal. Ragey put it best--All in all, it sounds like the air needs to be cleared. I hope that the air will get cleared before I find myself in a situation like Stewgad. With marriage actually in the picture for the first time in my life, I've been thinking about things like guest lists and I'm already well aware that someone (probably my Grandma) is going to ask this question again. I would like things on the table so that the question either doesn't even get asked or that I have a response that I'm comfortable with.

Dr. J and I talked about my family issues shortly after we met last fall. I was considering making contact with my father because I had learned that I had had a half-brother who had passed away. My whole life had passed without my even knowing that I had a sibling--an older brother at that which I always wanted. He was a musician living one state away from where I went to graduate school. The whole time I was in graduate school, I was just hours away from him and I never knew him--never knew about him. It crushed me when I found out he had died. There's no guarantee that he would have wanted to know me or even meet me, but the fact that I was never given the opportunity to make an attempt really hurt. So for the first time in my life I actually had questions for my father. I had always pretty passively accepted the fact that he didn't want to have anything to do with me, but that whole situation made me realize that there were still important pieces of my family I knew nothing about. The weird thing is that I've always known my other uncles and aunts and cousins from his side of the family, but I just haven't known his branch on the family tree. I was content not knowing because I thought it was just him--but the realization that I could have other siblings kindled a new desire to find out more. The problem has been timing. During the dissertation (when all of this came to light) was not a good time. Now I'm moving and celebrating graduation--not a good time. I know that there is not going to be a "good" time but I hope I can come up with a better time soon. (I greatly appreciate my bloggyfam for helpin me write through this!)

So at some point last night, I was able to do something other than sit around and watch TV and nap. I put in about four hours on that research project, and it felt GREAT to work. I must be evolving because work was never been much of a mood-booster, but it really did the trick last night. Today I woke up with some new energy, went to work, and came home to accomplish quite a bit of relocation stuff that I've been procrastinating on. All my utilities are in order now, I have new numbers, I have my moving truck stuff set up, and in a few minutes I am going to start tackling the bulk of my packing--the home office. Moving forward is a good thing.