An Early Valentine's Story

The following post is long and really sentimental. I was saving it for when I finished Chapter Three so it has grown in size. You have been warned--(blame her.)

I consider myself lucky to have found the very special Dr. J. There is no other way to really adequately explain my relationship with Dr. J except to say he has truly been a gift from heaven just when I needed it. His presence in my life is all over this blog, but I've never really sat down to write about him--perhaps in part to keep one of the most precious parts of my life precious. And I will continue to do so, but I've been wanting to share a little more about Dr. J, and more so about how his love has just changed my life and made this process bearable....

Once upon a time....In June, I began the process of my dissertation. On June 29th, I defended my proposal and immediately prepared to leave my College Town home for good. It was a high anxiety time as I planned to return South to live for the first time since high school. Although I started the diss immediately, it took me about a month to get completely moved out of College Town and settled in to life in Southern City. I was hurriedly beginning my diss in isolation--away from my CoChairs, away from my College Town friends--figuring out how to negotiate this process on my own was not easy (part of the reason I continued to blog was when I realized I wasn't alone). I was hoping and praying I would find some good friends/scholars here in Southern City to relax with and to work with. But I wasn't optimistic--all my old friends had long moved away and the few relationships I had in the area were quickly becoming strained by my committment to my work. I even had one "friend" tell me "if you're going to be writing so much, why did you even bother to come home"--we are no longer speaking. And then one ordinary day in August, I met Dr. John (bka Dr. J) so named by my best friend who has nicknames for everyone. Actually, looking back on my post that day, it was a very good day all around, I just had no idea how the accidental meeting I did not even mention in my blog would change my life. (It is so funny to me now that I didn't post for the next couple days--largely because I was on the phone with Dr. J from midnight until 5 and 6AM on a regular basis.)

That day I learned how small the world is. Dr. J is a graduate of HBU here in Southern City and a native of my New School City. Dr. J lived here in Southern City for most of the 8 years I was away. By the time I moved back, he had already moved West to pursue his PhD in University Town (which is the site of one of the campus visits I never made). That first day we talked, we learned we had so much in common and proceeded to talk on the phone for hours and hours and hours at a time. Our first real date was about a week later, and apparently I was on such a Cloud Nine I didn't even post that day either (there's a little hint in my post the day before). Dr. J came back to SouthernCity from UniversityTown and we had a fabulous lunch and walk through downtown. I don't think either of us had ever experienced a connection of the sort we went through that first week. It was exciting and scary at the same time, but we simply couldn't deny there was something special between us.

And I've been on Cloud Nine ever since. Dr. J and I have an exceptional relationship which I think is fitting for two exceptional people. Things have progressed very quickly, but that is pretty much characteristic of both of our lives--especially our academic lives. Dr. J is a young ABD like myself, with many academic accolades. We recently learned he landed his first article in a top journal--I'm soooo proud of him--especially since he is in a more social scientific field where every piece has 10 authors and his is solo authored!! We are embarking on this exceptional relationship between two academics--I would have never believed it before now. I mean I never thought I would be in a relationship with an academic--in fact I adamantly denounced the idea--but I think it was largely because I never imagined it to be even feasible for me as a young Black woman. Being that I'm close to PhD status in my mid-20s, it is at times challenging to meet like-minded Black men in the academy in my age range--who are not my students. And living in Lily White College Town--which was no where near (I mean HOURS from) any sizable Black community--did not help. I looked around and saw all these single/divorced Black women in the academy and believed that if I hung too close to the ivory tower, I would not find the type of relationship I desired. [There is a good conversation to be had about dating amongst Blacks in the academy but I will save that for another day. Just by way of disclaimer, I do know some wonderful brothers and sisters in higher ed who do manage healthy relationships, but they are in the minority of the minority it seems. There are so many issues that we have to deal with in academe, I think many of us choose to avoid relationships that might compound them.] So for those reasons amongst others, I've always tended to "date" outside of the academy and I shared some good connections with men who were as far removed from scholarly life as they come. But there was always came that moment in "dating" when I wished for someone who understood me and this crazy academic life.

Then I met Dr. J and all my theories on relationships have changed. Dr. J is a beautiful, sensitive, creative, special, and strong African American man who shares my vision for a full life that includes, but is not defined by having a presence in academe. He's a talented poet and a powerful speaker. He has a profound wisdom for his age and a spirit of optimism and joy that I envy--he is slowly teaching me to enjoy life and not work so hard. He shares my Southern country heart, my sense of humor, and has a deep love for family that is too often missing from academics. What I love is that most of what we share has so little to do with academia--our histories, our passions, our politics, our tastes, our families, our dreams--but it is comforting to know that when it comes time for work, we both understand. I love his family to pieces and he loves mine (well my mother is interesting). We've had some great trips and adventures already, and I'm just excited to see what's to come. We are both dissertating, although my process is a little ahead of his, and he has soothed so much of my anxiety of being alone in this process.

But most importantly, he loves me right. I've been loved before and I've been in love before, but I've never been in love with a man who loves me right. We share similar pasts when it comes to relationships and have both learned what we want and won't tolerate in our relationships--and having those things align makes our being together so much easier. Even though we are a few hours a part, we share a lot of dates and just enjoy every opportunity we get to know each other better. Dr. J cares for me, he encourages me, he prays for me, he cooks for me, he feeds my heart and my soul, he challenges me, he trusts me. He loves me for me. I love Dr. J in a way that I have never loved anyone and I am so thankful to have him in my life. I love being there for him, supporting him, encouraging him, laughing with him--just sharing life with him. I cherish our growing friendship and I am just so thankful for him.

We have beautiful plans for the future and even though it's only been a short time, we know that if we were both faculty members already with some finances, we would be married like yesterday. But since we're two poor PhD candidates, living in two cities, we're waiting--as patiently as possible for two people who like to get things done. Everything has happened very quickly, but I think it is appropriate for two young spirits who are in some respects have gone out ahead of the gang, and other respects have sacrificed a lot now for positive outcomes later. I never believed it when folks said you would just "know" when the right person comes along--but now I know. The love we share is truly the stuff of romance novels and fairy tales--oh the stories Dr. J and I could tell--we laugh at ourselves a lot! But it is also the stuff of heart and soul-searching, tears and growth--beautiful stories of two spirits truly connecting through the good and the not so good. I look forward to continuing to grow in this wonderful love with Dr. J and I'm so blessed to have found my other half. So to Dr. J, and all the cheesy lovebirds out there, I wish a very early Happy Valentine's Day!

Since Dr. J has a professional conference next week, he is coming down this weekend to hang out and have some nice romantic Valentine's dates with me. He's taking me out Friday night; Saturday afternoon is my date time--I have something planned that I hope he will like (can't say yet because he likes to pop in and read my blog when I least expect it). I'm looking forward to the weekend--as always will just be great to see him and hang out--and it is great motivation to get some work done in the meantime....