Good news first. I just got one of those automated emails from my institution telling me to go online and confirm my registration for the summer. (Early in the week I asked our adminstrative assistant to go ahead and sign me up for summer so I could know how much they were going to charge me). At any rate, I go online and see that she has signed me up and the charges for the summer are in black--and its more than I got right now. BUT, there is an even bigger dollar amount in red that has the label of my current fellowship. Red generally indicates any funds or payments on this system so from the best I can gather, my current fellowship also includes a HEFTY summer stipend. Part of my package to come to this school was that I would have stipends every summer but 1) I was told last summer was the last one and 2) they have never been this large. I Hope it is not a mistake. The sum is more than enough to take care of my dissertation credit charges and put some change in my pocket to cover me for that first month in New School City without a paycheck. That is some good news--I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this is not an accountin error!! I should know for sure when summer classes officially start in a few weeks.
Bad news--Somewhere around 3:30-4:00 this morning I had a serious breakdown. Serious, I mean--It was ugly. The realization that I have way more to do than is humanly possible by Monday had a serious toll. Fortunately, Dr. J was still up waiting on me to call him before I went to bed, but I feel terrible about the state I was in talking to him last night. I know it was hard on him to not be able to just come over or see me at that moment and I know I felt just horribly alone. But without him I probably wouldn't have calmed down enough to sleep. I am still not at a point where I can clearly articulate what is happening in my head and in my heart right now. It just ain't pretty.
So a really rough morning means a really late start today--further pushing back when I can get this done. At this point, any work I get done today will be a bonus considering how I still feel (like an emotional hangover). For now, I'm just trying to put one foot in front of the other.
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5 comments:
Okay, Mon, deep breaths. You really can do this. I know what you're feeling - how many times did I find myself prone,in the floor and staring at the ceiling, because I just couldn't face what the diss needed from me? - and you can work through it. You're got the fabulous Dr. J on your side, not to mention all of us, not to mention your brilliant ability to pull out all the stops when push comes to shove! I'm so sorry you're struggling right now but I know you can do it. Absolutely!
That is great news (we hope) about the summer money. I hope that turns out to be in your favor!
On the dissertation front - keep pushin'! I'm sure you can get through it even though it seems unsurmountable. Have faith, that I know you have deep down inside, that you can get what you need to get done by Monday.
I'm pulling for you!
You CAN do this. We've all felt this way - overwhelmed to the point of inertia, frazzled to the point of crying - but you've gotten through so much already that I have no doubt that you can push yourself through this, defend the diss, and start a wonderful new life in New School City. Keep that idea as a beacon. And lean on Dr. J.
i feel you mon. when i think about the massive revision i have to do b4 starting this new job, i just want to get back in bed and stay there! but as you said, step by step, one thing at a time and before you know it, you'll be finished and moving on.
Thanks ladies for the support and positive thoughts. I hope I will be lucky to find similarly wonderful spirits at New School City. I'm afraid I finally bit off more than I could chew so I'm gonna slow down and take some more days to get all this done. Keep the positive vibes comin!
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