Realization

Realization: I cannot wait to be done with this dissertation.

I know that is pretty obvious--who in their right mind would want to stay in the dissertation phase forever?? But as I was trudging through these very quiet and dark stacks today, I realized that I would much rather be researching materials for my classes right now. It took a lot of effort to stay focused on the task at hand today, and while I was successful in completing my research for this chapter, I don't feel completely satisfied,because I wasn't really doing what I wanted to do. I kept making mental notes to "come back to this section for books for my seminar" as I ran into interesting new areas of books I don't normally wander in. I saw a ton of books I wanted to purchase with my start-up funds in the fall, but had to reign myself in and stay on the job of research for this durn chapter.

So I realized today, I am really ready to be a professor. I am looking forward to teaching and research when I am not in the student mode. What ultimately sucks about being a student (even one away from campus) is that you can't research and be completely on your own accord. I'm in the library today, not learning, but looking up sources for my chapter--not because I really think I need them--but because one of my committee members is really anal and has asked for more sources in his/her revisions. Being in the student mode for 20+ years of my life has gotten old--I am tired of doing homework. Today was definitely a homework type day. As I told my soror the other day over lunch, I have been in school since I was like 3 or 4. I am ready to be done. Ok, this is not a new feeling--it is not the most enlightened realization I've ever had, but it hit me really hard today. Being a student has gotten on my LAST nerve and I can't wait to be done. Dr. John tried very hard to be motivational for me today--telling me how proud he is of me for all the work I've accomplished already this week, and that I should be proud too. But regardless of all the work I've done in the past few days, I just don't feel satisfied--I am ready to be DONE with this thing. I am ready to do some real estate shopping; ready to move; ready to have my own office; ready for much more than I have now. 2006 is going to be a great year, Lord willing, since I will finally be done with being a student. I am looking forward to that--very much.

I was going to do some more writing tonight, but my head is swimming and I've been looking at this screen all day. (I did take my laptop down to HBU). I think I will relax and see if I can knock out two of these books tonight....