Grumble grumble

I'm annoyed.

The boys upstairs keep increasing our course caps in ways that will hurt student learning.

By tomorrow I will have had 11 meetings in 8 days, and school has not even started yet.

Boss keeps shoveling work my way--work that is keeping me from writing.

It's hot and my AC is also.

Grumble grumble grumble

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Progress

Thursday's tasks were just enough to handle. I took the trash out of the kitchen, but that must have totally thrown off Dr. J because then he forgot to take the trash down to the street Thursday night. Oh well; lesson learned.

I realized that I need one of my textbooks to finish updating my course management system (need to switch up some quiz questions), so I'll have a little more work to do on my old courses when I get back to the office next week.

After the Boss indicated I might have some extra responsibilities, I begged off going to the office this week--decided to wait until Monday. Hopefully there won't be too much negativity for that decision. However, Boss did not respond to my last e-mail, so I fear that there may be (s/he is pretty much always on e-mail, so this nonresponse is odd). But since Boss is still new, I'll try not to read too much into it. I'll face the music on Monday.

Yesterday I spent my time exercise, my new course (about halfway done with the syllabus), exercise, and watching a movie. I also learned that I will be on my first university committee starting this year. Oooh, more meetings. I really did not become a professor to be in meetings all day, but apparently the two things are equal at my institution.

In more positive news, I had some great workouts this week. The first phase of my eating habit renovation has been going well. I haven't had any desserts this week, which is HUGE for me. I went three weeks without sugar on my last attempt at a diet, but that will likely never happen again--a week is enough. My plan was to weigh myself on Monday, but Dr. J wanted us to weigh in yesterday (he's a bit obsessive about the scale; I have to hide it from him). The scale was good to me; I've gone back down 6 pounds. That's pretty typical for me in the first week on this type of plan (low calorie, high fiber, mega fruits and veggies, lean protein). Since we were ahead of schedule on our goals, we ate out--my treat was Fuji Apple Chicken Salad--yum.

I'm glad I've gotten the junk out of my system and gotten rid of the water I was apparently retaining. Now the hard work begins--finding a reasonable way to eat regular, properly proportioned meals each day, snack healthily, exercise around my life of meetings, and keep up the fruits and veggies.

Thursday's Tasks

This week is flying by! Today I must--

• Finish all my updates to Blackboard for my old preps
• Start my new prep already!
• Take out the trash since someone is having a lapse on that one
• Do two loads of laundry
• Contact LAGirl about an archival resource she has

I think I can handle this today.

Back to Reality

It is so lovely being back in civilization. On Sunday, Dr. J and I slept in, had a wonderfully romantic day, and ate quite lavishly to celebrate our two years and five months of marriage. Then, we realized Monday that we must get out of summer mode. We're still going to get in a few more dates before school starts, but it is time to get back to work mode.

First up, diet. I'd never been a dieter until I married Dr. J. My first diet in life happened the first summer after we got married. It was a great bonding experience and encouraged me to start working out again. Dr. J does well on diets; I'm stubborn enough to stick it out through the goal period, but I'm miserable and cranky if I'm hungry. Since my first diet experience (which was successful--lost 7 pounds and kept it off for a year), we've done two other diets (Dr. J for weight loss; me for dealing with my regular problems with yeast). I'm kind of dieted out. I've really tried to encourage us to just change our lifestyle (eat less fast food-fried food-white carbs, eat more fruits and veggies). But when school kicks in, I always fail in prepping healthy snacks and planning out groceries. Dr. J does most of the cooking, but he's not a great planner--so if healthy stuff isn't in the house, and it is late October, it's probably fast, fried, and has white carbs. But here we are again at the beginning of the year and my honey is feeling motivated to get back on (and stay on) track. He's got a 12 week goal this time, which will take us right into the heart of the danger zone. So my first back to reality check is that I'm really focused on organizing my schedule now so that I carve out room each week for shopping, prepping, and exercise. I've want to make these things a priority over grading!! I think if I eat and feel well, I'll be more productive at work. This week, I'm starting a menu planning file (hmmm, maybe there's an app for that), and easing back into exercise and eating right.

Second reality check, the job. We have a new boss. It's needed; I haven't had any real feedback on tenure, and I'm going up for third year. Boss is a scholar in my field--I'm looking forward to working with him/her. We need structure and guidance in our department, and it seems Boss will offer that. But s/he is working me to death already. I have been given a responsibility I specifically said I didn't want, and I just received an e-mail today asking if I might be interested in a second related responsibility (for an entity that the entire department has already tried to eliminate but apparently the higher ups want us to keep). I'm avoiding the office this week so I can get my teaching materials together. This, I will deal with next week--so far there are two meetings on my schedule for next week related to this responsibility. I'm not amused.

Third, another new prep. For the 8th out of the 9 semesters I will have taught since the diss, I have yet another new prep this semester. I'm tired of new preps. I've put this one off much longer than I usually do for a new course because I really wanted to write this summer. I'm glad I did some writing (would be happier if I had done more), but now I feel yucky about putting this class together. It is not an area that my former professors or close friends in the discipline really teach, so I can't build off someone else's syllabus. I've been pilfering the internet for ideas, but have been coming up short. I've got to get moving on this tomorrow. I spent most of today changing dates on my syllabi I will be reusing and setting up my Blackboard courses for those sections.

Fourth and finally, family. Sunday marked the day I should start a new pill pack. I didn't start it. Yikes. Here we go...

Give Me Free

After a week in the woods, I'm ready to go home. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Mom gets a week in a timeshare from a friend; Dr. J and I get a free vacay. Mom and MIL want to see us for a few days; we find a place in the middle. Ideal location was booked so we try somewhere new. Turns out, it is in the woods. Woods near nothing, and we happen to travel during the hottest week of the year.

It's been an interesting week:

Blue carpet and bedroom furniture with lots of mirrors
Large bugs
Country people wearing coonskin hats
Innuendos about babies
Really large bugs
A really tiny pool
An unusual amount of Judge Mathis
and more...

I'm about ready to go...

No Money, Mo Problems

*Updated with news links*

After a busy busy week (and a busy summer away from the house for Dr. J), it is nice to have the next two weeks or so to ourselves. Unfortunately, it is becoming more and more apparent every day that we are approaching the big zero on all of our accounts until school starts back. Sigh. All of our efforts to plan and save to get through a summer without me teaching seem to be falling by the wayside. Car problems, unexpected trips, and student loan payments that came out of our account when we were supposed to be in forbearance have added up to being somewhere less than broke.

Money is one of those things I try not to worry of whine about, but when I find myself smack in the middle of these statistics I keep hearing about--Blacks with PhDs in more debt, Blacks falling behind in passing on wealth--it is a bit frustrating.

I look forward to getting out of debt. I look forward to Dr. J and I one day having a family and passing on some wealth to them--something our parents were unable to do (only financially speaking though--we've been blessed in ways that are priceless). But for now, I look forward to getting caught up on our bills when school starts back.

Activity

This has been a week of lots of different kinds of activity. My head is spinning a bit. I've been writing posts in my head, but tonight (or this morning) is my first just me time.

This weekend we drove to the edge of our state to meet Dr. J's sister and pick up his nephew. The 2+ hour drive each way was a bit rough on me for some reason. I had been feeling sick last Thursday night, but was better by Friday evening. Or so I thought--I was quite carsick on the trip. That started off a busy week on a bad note for me, but I had to suck it up to help Dr. J entertain the world's tallest and hungriest preteen.

So it has been a week on constant food prep and cleaning, video games, movies, yard work (Dr. J is determined to toughen him up), the gym, and more food. It's been a good week so far but I'm tired already!

In the midst of this, I did find some time to do some archival research and writing on Monday. I have another group deadline on Friday for Major Article, but I don't think I'm gonna make it. I'm really dragging this week, and I need a second wind. My fatigue is pretty constant so I finally completed a saliva collection test today my doctor gave me so she can analzye my hormone levels. (I Look forward to those results.) But this week it's been coupled with lots of upset stomachs, nausea, and today (grossness ahead) I randomly puked--something I never do.

With all the recent b-word talk back home and around here lately, I'm a little anxious there could be some other activity going on with me too. It is not medically likely right now, but stranger things have happened. We'll see.

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Normalcy=Meeting

It should have come as no surprise to me that feeling really normal this week would involve a meeting. Now it was a meeting that felt a bit less than necessary. And the document we reviewed was unnecessarily long--200+ pages. But, it got me to the office early--got me reading and writing. And that was much needed.

Tomorrow's work, get close to finishing Major Article draft to send to LAGal by Friday.

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Writing Blues

Today I had a dissertation flashback. "If I must cry, I shall cry and write at the same time."

I've been feeling down for the past few days. Some of it is just due to too much time in the house by myself. But a lot of it is due to my dissatisfaction with my work this summer. I can't believe it is already July. It is getting increasingly difficult for me to see why I didn't just go ahead and teach this summer. I would still feel like my writing was suffering, but without the stress of how are we going to pay next month's bills.

Sigh.

I've got the writing blues today. I did a little reading and typed about 100 words worth of quotes I want to use in my Major Article. I may try to do a little more before calling it a weekend; I may not.

Sigh.

Small Steps

Today's work includes:

Sending out emails to writing group members
Finishing feedback on LAGal's work
Laundry
Dishes
Writing 750 words on Major Article

I think that will be enough to keep me moving while Dr. J is away again today.

Return to Routine

Dr. J sent me Home. To Hometown. We couldn't really afford it; we hadn't planned to be in Homestate until Christmas, but clearly, I needed to see my Grandmother and Mom. Even though I didn't ask and wasn't looking for it, I am so grateful to have a husband sensitive enough to understand that need and push me to make it happen. I probably would have talked myself out of going citing finances, writing, timing, and a host of other things. But I'm glad he didn't let me.

I went home, and I'm so glad I did. It was a wonderful trip. I missed Dr. J tremendously. But he had a conference during the time, so I would have missed him for a few days either way. It was good for me to spend time with both of my grandmothers, let Mom spoil me a bit, and just be home (it had been a full year since my last trip).

Being Home was good for my soul. But it did remind me of just how far we are from Home and brought back a lot of the doubts I have in my mind about starting a family. Dr. J and I both grew up with large extended families, and it is hard for me to imagine raising a child who would essentially be a family loner--missing the early years of the almost daily contact that we had with grandmothers and cousins and aunts and uncles. The thought of that scares me. But being reminded of the preciousness of life--learning that my grandmother does indeed have cancer--at the same time increases the urgency of just wanting to throw all the B-S of academic life and post-graduate school finances to the wind and just step out on faith and try to make starting a family here work.

I'm back in River City grateful for the time at Home. And on the heels of my trip, we had a great Fourth weekend with friends. But now I'm longing for a return to my routine and some peace of mind in what's next for my family--here and at Home.

Facing Fears

Today, the word "fear" has been on my brain. I found out my wonderful Grandmother has a large lump that has appeared out of nowhere in her breast. Anything that goes on with my Grandmother always makes me anxious. Back during the dissertation, she broke her leg, and it broke my heart to see her in pain. She recovered well from that, but while I was in Gorgeous City, she started falling again so she moved in with Mom not too long after Dr. J and I got married.

Since then, she'd been doing really well. One of the great things about her being in Hometown with Mom is that she's active at a senior center and receives much more hands on health care (for example, we discovered that part of her falling episodes was due to the fact that her previous doctor had her on multiple medications for the same thing that she didn't need). So given her much more regular care, it was shocking to learn that she has this lump. Given her age, they won't do a biopsy, they'll just take it out. Based on his experience, the doctor is pretty sure it is malignant. Mom is taking it one day at a time. I'm praying that Grandmother will be as strong and resilient as always. But of course, I'm afraid. My great-grandmother died when I was in high school in her 90s, shortly after having a large sudden growth in her body as well.

I have been confronting the fear of losing one or both of my grandmothers since we moved out here to River City. When it comes to especially my grandmothers, I don't like being this far away. I know that I have wonderful relationships with them and if something happens, I won't have any regrets, but on days like this, it doesn't make the fear much smaller.

Somewhere in my mind, I immediately thought about fear and writing when I started reading the first few lines of B*'s post on resistance to writing. I didn't really need to read the rest of the article or her post to quickly identify my resistance in writing to be based in multiple fears. I fear I'll disappoint everyone if I don't write. I fear I won't come up with anything else creative or original to write. I fear I did all of my good writing during the dissertation. I fear that since I haven't done any significant writing since I started teaching and got married, that I won't be able to do any significant writing. I fear the words on the screen never accurately reflect what I'm thinking in my mind.

I've been much more aware of these fears this summer than ever before. Maybe it's the quiet of being home alone while Dr. J is teaching. Maybe it's the focus on writing given that I'm not teaching. Maybe it's the occasional moments I spend staring at a blank screen, sympathizing ever so slightly with "the professor" character on Treme. But whatever it is, it is important to face these fears and write through them; I'm slowly learning how to do that.

In the words of B*:

But I also believe that insight cannot be manufactured from nothing, so I am motivated to continue to read a lot and get writing out, and get writing out, and get writing out, and hope that at some point perspiration can lead to inspiration. It just might. Or it might not, but at least I am trying.

Abstract Thoughts

I got up early this morning to go to an event, but it was rained out. So I've spent a few hours putting together a conference abstract. Why is such a simple process sometimes so time-consuming? In this case, I know it is because I am still shaping and reshaping the argument in this paper, but I wish that I didn't have the problem of finding the argument so often. I always have a topic/subject I want to discuss, but articulating the one scholarly argument that will "contribute" to the field frequently seems to allude me. I end up with pages and pages of descriptive prose and little to no analysis. (This is probably why I still haven't published anything four years and two jobs post-dissertation.)

So in my article drafts and upcoming conference works, I'm working really hard to keep my eye to the argument first before getting into the wonderful texts and people I love discussing.

This is hard work.

Flashback #1: Married Life

I love my husband.

Since my last post in 2008 was about him, post-honeymoon, I think it's appropriate to start the catch up process with the marriage update.

Dr. J and Dr. Mon are doing well. We're still that couple. And I think moving to River City where we have no family and didn't know anyone outside of work has been great for our marriage. Our bond as friends has continued to grow as for a long time, we were the only people we could hang out with. River City is a neat place and it has grown on us a great deal. But one thing we've learned is that although it is kind of in the South, it is not as friendly as Homestate. We've decided it's a landlocked state thing--people don't really come here, they travel through here. So the locals tend to look at us like we're strangers or as suspicious characters since they don't know why we would move here. Everyone was born and raised here so we've definitely had to adjust to our outsider status. It's made for some interesting memories, but has motivated us to explore the area as a couple and have some great dates. One of my favorite dates was the night Dr. J snagged us 6th row seats to see John Legend! We have "our" favorite restaurants (one for breakfast, one for lunch, one for dinner), "our" local sports team, "our" pharmacy, "our" pew at church--things that just the two of us share--and I love that. Most of "our" friends are White and/or 10-20 years older than us--and that's pretty neat too.

Our first trip home during the summer after the wedding was a lot of fun, but quickly taught us that we can't go home for too long. We spent a day at the beach and have been longing for our coastline ever since. During the trip, we were bouncing back and forth between my hometown and his for 12 days, so we were absolutely exhausted by the time we returned. Since then, we've only been home once (for Christmas). This most recent Christmas the families came to us. So hosting our first holiday in our home was quite an event.

We spent our first anniversary in a nearby resort town and had a lot of fun being tourists there. My mother had managed to ship the top tier of our wedding cake to us in its frozen state (it had been taking up room in her freezer all year). It was absolutely delicious!! Admittedly, we ate the whole thing during our weekend get-away. I've been trying to think of reasons to order another one of those cakes. We spent our second anniversary in our new home this past March--Dr. J surprised me with roses and a candlelight dinner of steak and crab legs (sooooo good). It was a wonderful evening and one of the first meals we'd shared with just the two of us at our new dining room table.

Of course, we've had some emotionally trying moments, but nothing atypical of newly married couples. I have my issues, he has his. We worked out the household chores pretty quickly (I do laundry, he mows the grass--most everything else we share to some extent). Sometimes I want to be on a more organized schedule, but I've learned to let go and realize that doesn't work for him. We've learned a lot about our communication; sometimes he wants me to talk more. But he's learned to let go when I just want to curl up with a book for a while. We play Xbox games together on occasion. We still have TV dates to watch cooking shows and HBO. We've laughed so much; we've shared some tears. Every thing, every problem, every fun memory, we've tackled together. And that's what we're loving most--doing this thing called life together.



And since the relatives always ask, curious minds may want to know. The answer is no.
No babies yet....

I'd Rather Not Know

Today's an office day for me, but I'm already feeling like I should have stayed home. Things I've learned so far that I'd rather not know:

1. My university--particularly my college--had no consistency in midtenure reviews this past year. One candidate received a good review from the department, but was slammed by the admins for a dumb reason (too specific to say here, but trust me it's as dumb as not liking the color shirt s/he wears). A second candidate has a nationally recognized research agenda but was told that should devote their energies to being like someone else in their dept (someone who is pretty much a committee nut). A third candidate received an okay review (with no previous written annual evaluations) and was fired.

2. A second person was fired in my college. Security has been beefed up as a result of these employment decisions.

3. When I go to my midtenure meeting with the college, there is a good chance I won't have a say in who chooses to accompany me (which will be different from the past).

The things I learned today go beyond what I'm comfortable writing here. I'm glad my faith and peace are centered outside of my job, because this place is getting nuttier by the minute.

A Good Meeting for Once

In my current job (which I'll write more about later), I am overwhelmed with meetings. We have departmental meetings just about every week. Plus regular departmental committee meetings. Plus regular college committee meetings. Plus the meetings after the meetings.

I've come to dread meetings more than just about anything else in life.

But today, I had a good meeting!! I met with a colleague in Liberal Arts (hereafter LAGal) and a colleague in a related discipline in my college (hereafter AllyGuy) to start a writing group. They are both newish to the university like me (2 years here or less) and each of us is feeling the stress of how to tackle a research agenda on a 4/4. So we're hoping a little group motivation and feedback will help.

I met LAGal through students, which is kind of neat. I offered a special topics course in the spring semester for African American studies in my discipline, and she teaches African American studies in her discipline. She's extremely extroverted, so as soon as the students told her about my class she sent me an e-mail invitation for lunch. We've been getting together occasionally ever since. I love chatting with her because she's originally from River City, so she helps me understand some of the weird, not-quite-Southern, dynamics here. At any rate, we've been struggling with understanding the dynamics of our university when it comes to teaching and research, so she recommended that we start a reading/writing group both for productivity and just to share how to navigate this place.

Well, we've been struggling to identify additional group members as many faculty members at our university are 1) not junior faculty, 2) not interested in research or 3) producing research in teams in the math and sciences. But it occurred to me to invite AllyGuy, who I met during another college meeting. In our college, our disciplines are really the only ones with publication expectations--the other disciplines have more flexible expectations for scholarship. So he and I had discussed in the fall how we felt a bit unfairly burdened to produce more than the "normal" amount of research--to carry the publication arm of our college (particularly without any hope for course releases). He has some awesome projects underway, but little time to complete them so he was all for joining our group.

Our first meeting was over lunch, and we spent a lot of time just catching up and getting to know each other. It's good that LAGal is such an extrovert--she makes a conversation about work fun and thoughtful at the same time. I'm excited about finally having colleagues to work with at this job. It's taken the full two years to get to this point, but I'm glad that this has come together. Our plan is to meet this summer and in the fall. Our first assignment is to send an overview of the work we're doing/want to do to each other next week. So it's good for me to have something concrete to work on with an actual deadline again! I'd better get to it....

(Re)Invention

My favorite canon of rhetoric has always been invention--finding what to say in the midst of a dynamic situation. The process of creating is both exciting and challenging; most days I am up to the challenge.

But finding a space to create has been difficult in the midst of so many life changes year after year. The move home. The dissertation. The degree. The new job. The 2nd move. The engagement. The marriage. The 3rd move. The 2nd new job. The 4th move. The new 4/4 teaching load. The new house. The 5th move.

In the midst of the changes that at times leave me spinning, I'm approaching the first state of stability in a while. This is my first summer without teaching since the dissertation, and I'm hoping to use it for getting some writing done in preparation for my 3rd year review. A few weeks of writing in circles has led me back to this blog--a place where I found a wonderful space for invention years ago.

Homesick

I miss my husband.

I'm back in Gorgeous City to pack my stuff. Yup, it is official, I'm leaving my HomeState and my very first academic job to join Dr. J in River City. I've accepted a position just outside of River City in Dry County--the first college town I've ever been to where you can't buy a drink. (More job talk later).

So that's the big news. We procrastinated on this decision for a while because we are just enjoying our honeymoon, but since no better offers came up for Dr. J to leave River City and there is nothing for him here, we decided to start our life in a new part of the country. We've never lived in a land-locked state, never heard a tornado siren until we got there, never knew people ate barbecue with something other than rice, so yeah it is going to be interesting. But I'm excited. I love waking up to him everyday--love being able to talk to him without picking up the phone. And I could even get used to being home full-time (the past few weeks without work commitments were wonderful).

In a short time, I've grown quite used to being with Dr. J all the time. Now that I'm back in HomeState without him, I feel quite homesick even though this is supposed to be "home." I have a lot of work to do--finding movers, finding a reliable car that I can drive back, quitting my job--but I really don't feel like doing much. I've been doing a lot of looking at my wedding pictures and watching our video--sad isn't it. Hopefully things will pick up today. Dr. J's cousin is selling her older car, so I'm picking it up and taking it to my mechanic back in Hometown to look it over. It would be awesome if he signed off on the purchase--then I might get more motivated.

But I miss my husband.

Great Prize for Newlyweds

Dr. J and I returned home to find that we finally received the prize we won through The Knot. It is a wonderful prize from Nautica, and I spent the day cleaning everything up and loading up our cabinets and closets with these goodies!

Bath Towels (top)
Bath Sheets, Wash Cloths, Hand Towels (middle)
Tub Mat (bottom)

Eight Table Settings!!

Our new Duvet pattern with all the trimmings. Gotta love the Chocolate Brown!

Back from Paradise

I definitely see why you should start your honeymoon with a vacation. Dr. J and I needed it!! We have lots of news about life changes, but for now--enjoy the pictures.

*Album Link Removed--Here are a few scenic shots*

The amazing view from our room and our first Hawaiian sunset!

The island of Lanai--right across the waters from our hotel.

The performers at the luau were awesome!

We took a helicopter tour of the island that was amazing--I loved the feeling of floating on the clouds as we went up to the island's big volcano (Mt. Haleakala).

Here's the view from the West Maui Mountains of the coastline. Amazing.

Regular blogging again soon...