Now On To "Other" News

I have to acknowledge these things to move on.

1) The Wikicheatia incident has been resolved. The process concluded with a very harsh sanction, and although I hated being in that situation, I saw the "good" in going through the process since this was not the first offense of this student (which I wouldn't have known had I attempted to resolve this on my own).

2) I'm utterly disappointed in myself for not getting anything done this month in terms of writing/research. I really have a truckload of stuff that I need to get done this summer and I feel like a dope for wasting the month of May. I mean, granted, I wouldn't have traded the time with Dr. J for the world. But I feel like I still could have managed my time better this month. My disappointment is amplified by a related issue--see item #4 below.

3) Dr. J didn't get the position at Top School. I'm devastated and frustrated for him. I think that it would have been a wonderful place for him. But the process by which he found out was really whack and has revealed a lot about the personalities of this particular department--so perhaps in the end it was best that he didn't go there. The late and drawn out nature of the process means that he is now in the position of looking for a placement outside of the normal hiring schedule. We're not really sure where he's going to be or what he's going to be doing this year. Most likely, since the 2008-2009 hiring season is approaching, he will be in a one year position somewhere. He already has some good leads and several schools have expressed interest for Fall 08. But we're still in a little bit of a holding pattern for the time being.

What I haven't said out loud that I really need to say is this: THIS REALLY SUCKS!!! I'm hurtin for Dr. J. I'm hating that he's going through this period of limbo so close to the completion of his dissertation. I wish I could give him a much needed Bahama-vention. I'm so confused as to why this is happening, and I feel utterly helpless in this situation. I love him to death and I just want to "make it better." I wanna fix this--I need to fix this--but it is just out of my hands. I'm having a hard time with that. I want the man that I love to have everything he needs and more. I'm doing my best to be supportive, but it just feels so...so inadequate.

4) I'm going back on the market. Since I took this position in Gorgeous City, there has been one question once people find out I'm engaged: "So is he moving here??" I've become very skillful at not really answering that question--largely because we just didn't know what was going to happen. But now it seems pretty clear that the options we were considering are not going to materialize. So rather than Dr. J trying to search "around me" for Fall 08, I think we could potentially create more options for us being at the same place (or the same city--or heck even the same state) if we both search for 2008.

I knew there was a possibility I might be headed somewhere new in 2008, but let me be honest--I was ready to play the role of the trailing spouse (cue gasps from feminist friends). I was buying into the idea of Dr. J "stealing me from" my department (which I hear whispers of a lot). But that is just not realistic--or ideal.

Facing the job market again leaves me with a lot of emotions. I probably feel more anxious than I did before. The first time around I just felt confused. I didn't know if I wanted a professor gig or a postdoc--a research school or a teaching school. Quickly it became clear what I wanted and I felt very comfortable saying yes and no. Within a year, I've lost that sense of comfort and clarity. I feel like I wasn't productive enough in my first year to still be seen as a good candidate (hence my increasing disappointment about my scholarship). I'm at a loss for how to negotiate the ins and outs of a dual search. I feel uncertain about how this conversation will go with my chair--or how I will be treated by my department which is already going through so many shifts and changes. I feel intimidated by the idea of being on the market again and dealing with the rigors of applications and "networking" while I'm still trying to get stuff out and prep for yet another new class. But even with all of that, I do feel a bit--just a tiny bit--excited. Being on the market doesn't mean I'm going to get an offer or even that I'll leave Gorgeous City, but it does open for the door for new possibilities for me and Dr. J. And at the end of the day, that is what matters most to me. I'm trying to keep that in mind as I prepare myself for the many changes that are about to come.