Mostly Not Writing

As I have been lurking around various blogs, I've continued to feel sad that I can't quite get into a rhythm with blogging again and writing in general. My to-do list of summer writing went largely unchecked, and I have already started the semester with one self-imposed writing deadline passing me by. I did manage to rustle up an abstract for a conference, but even that feels unsatisfactory.

Maybe I wouldn't care as much if 1) I didn't have some good memories of writing, and 2) I didn't keep learning about tenure cases going up and being denied on the basis of research at my university. To the second point, it is astounding to me that a college could have expectations for someone to do 3-5 research papers and publications a year on a 4/4 teaching load with no resources for travel or seed money. That's in one side of the university. At another side, the expectations is only for 5-7 solo authored pubs before tenure on a 4/4 load or a 3/3 load with clinical hours. These stories I'm hearing are just crazy to me. The word from the top is still, oh no, teaching counts for 51% of your tenure case, and research and service are weighted pretty equally. But in seeing the numbers of tenure and promotion cases that have gone up and and been shot down in the two short years I've been here, "rhetoric" and reality do not match.

But more importantly, I still miss writing. I miss the moments of getting away with ideas and words and find that a plethora of strategies keep failing me. Or at least I keep failing myself in these attempts. Get up early; stay up late; write a few minutes a day; restart blogging; set aside writing days; write first grade later; grade first write later; don't teach; teach....

I hope that the missing, the longing for writing, will not fade. I fear that if it does, this part of my life will be over. At least right now, there is a part of me still fighting for something I once loved and enjoyed. I recognize it is hard to enjoy writing in my life right now (becoming harder with new Boss who seems to think writing energy should be devoted to textbooks). I recognize that writing itself is hard right now when I feel so "out of practice" and can't get into a flow. I recognize my need for writing--if not for my job, for my sanity.